[rusty trawler]

Dear Ms/Mizz/Mrs/Madam Jen Jen

Please forgive my gauche salutations. The British postal system is not that which it once was, and by the time this letter reaches you it is entirely conceivable that my manservant may have been convinced to join the esteemed institution of matrimony. Indeed, after having finalised his severance package, I fear he may even have become the victim of one of those tragic accidents that seem to accompany your presence.

I was initially inclined to say that your last letter has caused some disquiet in the Trawler household, but as my manservant is currently keeping you entertained with, amongst other things, fabrications about how I have fallen upon hard times and the only companionship I can depend upon after his departure is that of my life-size doll-cum-mannequin, I suspect you would hardly believe a word I say.

It seems that, once emancipated form the shackles of my employ, my manservant has discovered an inability to ‘keep stum’ (the help are such tittle-tattles). ’Tis a sorry day when one can no longer depend on the professional discretion of one’s minions to ensure what happens in the Trawler estate remains in the Trawler estate.

I will admit that once, and purely to relieve the tedium of waiting for the post man to arrive with suitable replies to my Valentine’s appeal, we once re-enacted the Oliver Reed and Alan Bates naked wrestling scene in Women in Love. Queensbury rules were somewhat adhered to so if he is now attempting to assert that it was a cunning hors d’oeuvre to a homoerotic repast, I assure you, dear lady nothing could be further from the truth. Besides I do recall that at the time his only ‘protestations’ was a girly whimper.

I will also acknowledge that other gentlemen may recoil in disbelief on hearing of some of his more untraditional contractual obligations, but it would seem foolhardy not to take advantage of the unique talents of one who used to ply his talents in some rather questionable places. Suffice to say, I now know that Chippendale is not just synonymous with sturdy furniture.

Others may suggest that incidents like these may indicate that my Valentine’s entreaty is rather disingenuous. They may even venture to imply that the JC Gentlemen’s Club is not all that it purports to be. But what do they know?

Oh the calumny of it all! My indignation at these scandalous rumours has caused me to digress. I’m merely writing to forward the last of my manservant’s possessions. On casual inspection of these items I can now identify why he has been so remiss of his official duties, the man was obviously pursuing extracurricular activities as PVC clad mounted police man. Please find the following herewith:

2 faux leather riding crops
1 Gimp mask
1 pair of handcuffs

Best regards,

Rusty Trawler

P.S: Please tell me more about your good friend Ann Summers. My manservant often mentioned her in passing and she seems like the kind of lady I ought to endeavour to make an acquaintance with.

[rusty trawler]

@cheekylittleminx wrote:

Seems like everyone is withdrawing their application hmmmmm well i wont be …. now maybe just maybe i might be in with a chance of being mr trawlers valentine date im keeping my fingers crossed :) waits with baited breath :shock: :?

Hello CheekyLittleMinx

How very perceptive of you, it does indeed seem that now, having read my confessions, they all feel the promise of chocolate will not compensate for my short comings and that my promise of ‘jiggy’ was a more than a little ambitious.

Many thanks for your continued interest, as I have recently noted that the women of JC are an exacting lot and a gallant gentleman would need to fortify himself with an exceptional sense of humour and undertake a many a session at his local gymnasium to ensure that he is on parity with their needs.

But that’s not all!

Now they are casting wild aspersions about the type of chap I am. How very dare they!

Kind regards,

Rusty Trawler

[rusty trawler]

float

[rusty trawler]

Dear Mrs Jen Jen

Many thanks for your letter

I’m loath to accept that the providence of our unexpected encounter in the Grand Lobby of the Forum Three Hotel is to be short-lived. As your letter alludes to the purple prose of my correspondence with other ladies, you will understand it was inevitable that I would vaingloriously surmise the scarlet hue of your cheeks and the fervent undulation of your ample assets was due to my humble presence. I’m a humble man and unaccustomed to the attention of so many enchanting ladies. Suffice to say I was intoxicated with the belief that the industrious machinations of Eros were exclusively focused on me in order to ensnare a life partner or at the very least someone to share an unforgettable, intimate five minutes with (please don’t forget that I have reached a certain age and it is perhaps wise to adjust any expectations of my amorous capabilities accordingly). To borrow a modern parlance, perhaps more likely to be quoted by our mutual acquaintance Danny, ‘I thought I woz Da Man.’

Despite the protestation of my enemies and the green-eyed allegations of my comrades in the JC Gentlemen’s establishment, I remain a timid fellow with limited intimate knowledge of the female form. How could I have ever known that it takes more than an introductory kiss on the hand of a maiden to satiate the ardent passions within? Upon witnessing my manservant surreptitiously leave your room, how was I to know it was much more than honestly mistaking my hotel room for yours? Even though he had a rather sheepish look and was lacking the lower part of his uniform, his explanation that his paltry stipend was not sufficient to ensure he was always properly attired seemed plausible.

However with retrospect I can now identify why he has presently been unable to marshal the necessary energy to fulfil his duties to a satisfactory standard. It seems rather apropos to mention that if you’re interested in his professional capabilities then I’m unable to provide a positive reference: he is a terrible valet and I am constantly finding lacy thongs in my handkerchief drawer of my tallboy.

On occasions when I had been unable to entice my JC colleagues participate in the leisurely pursuits befitting a gentleman I had taken to playing a game of cards with my manservant for my own amusement. Whilst he was always contented to lose in order to maintain that the status quo between master and servant remained in tact, he took far too great an interest in my favourite card. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of the likeness to your good self.

I’m fully aware that I can no longer count upon his willingness to undertake his duties with unbounded zeal these days, but I was confident I would always be able depend on his Dewey standard upkeep of my library. Almost in direct opposition to the exponential growth in his concupiscence has his pride in the meticulous archiving of my library dissipated. Should you perchance espy the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy, The Joy of Sex by Dr Alex Comfort and Wordsworth’s Guide To What Every Gentleman Should Know About What Happens In The Boudoir, ex libris, Rusty Trawler, please return them to my estate and no questions will be asked.

I’m delighted to discover my humble drawing of our imagined physical union and the apocryphal tales of which I was unable to refrain from relating to my JC brethren have enabled you to unleash your latent physical passion. After multiple readings of the more salacious details of your last letter I fear any attempts on my part to match your corporeal desires would only result in my untimely demise. Never have I more coveted the savage physique of my manservant or wished I had exercised more attention when he wielded the ‘tools’ of his trade.

I suspect the other ladies may elect to extract their interest too once they read this letter, but you can never miss that which you have never had as they say.

Kind regards,

Rusty Trawler

P.S: should you encounter my manservant in the near future, could you kindly enquire about the whereabouts of my special pills? Every time I mentioned your ample assets they seemed to instantly disappear and he would ask for time off in lieu.

[rusty trawler]

@thistle-fem-1964 wrote:

do what most would do pick them all and hope that they dont tell each other lol

Lol ThistLe,

I could pick them all because once a lassie has agreed to go on a date with me, for some peculiar reason she has always chosen to keep quite about it.

[rusty trawler]

@nicey wrote:

Well .. what can I say?
I am surprised and delighted to achieve this award :o :D
I never expected it at all and it comes as a great shock.
I would like to thank one or two people, but don’t worry, I will keep it short sniff

I must thank my family, without whom none of this would have been possible –
my mum and dad who have always encouraged and helped me snifffff
(and of course who conceived me in the first place)

my siblings (the constant bullying forced me to be strong and strive to succeed)

my grandparents (sadly deceased now, but they supported me constantly during the early years – I remember them so well, especially how granny Ethel smelt funny and grandpa Alf used to shout inappropriate words during Songs of Praise),

my aunts and uncles, my cousins and their spouses
(except for Jean’s husband Tim, who is far too free with his hands at family functions)

Thank you all sniff sniff

[What? No I haven’t finished yet …..tut …]

I would very much like to thank my friends … if only I knew where they now lived … so many of them (OK all of them) seem to have moved house (or country) without leaving me their new address. I am certain this has absolutely nothing to do with my habit of whipping out my notebook & pencil and writing down any secrets they confided in me.

Naturally I thank my good friends in JC – too many to mention of course,
but a special thank you goes:
to mooooosey-pal for allowing me to lean on her rump and providing me with twifle during longer periods of note-taking snifff

to Penny for her friendship, humour and Charles’ empty boxes (only ones he’s finished with, I hasten to add)

to Link, londonmale and Lancy for providing so much detail for my notebooks

and of course … to Rose and Axante/AsianM, without whose engagements and forthcoming weddings I would never have made that lucrative book and film deal in the US.

Also a big thank you to LD for setting up these awards. snifff

It would be wrong of me not to mention all the other chatters in Forum 3 …. but you can’t be right all of the time ….

[Sorry? What? Yes I AM being quick …. how rude …]

I must thank those who helped me in the early years:
Mrs Bailey who gave me such encouragement at secondary school
(btw the socks with sandals look never really worked, dear)

Mr Langley whose lack of faith made me determined to do well NERRR to you :D/
(you can eat your words now, sitting there in your wee-stained trousers in that old people’s home)

Miss Barnes who marked my first ever essay and gave me a gold star snifff
(although it was a sad day when she turned up at school with pencils up her nose, underpants on her head, alternatively screaming “flibble” and rocking on her chair humming songs from “Mamma Mia” … I wonder what became of her?)

Mrs Johnson who gave me my first ever notebook and pencil
(the fact that she stole them from Tesco and has been on the run in South America ever since is really beside the point)

Miss Livesey who taught me to read and write
(there is no truth in the rumours that she regretted this on discovering she played a lead role in several notebooks from the primary years – the details of which she has never been able to live down)

[What? Tut! Yes I am nearly finished fgs … soooo rude]

Thanks are due to my counsellor … well all three of them really, who work tirelessly day and night to support me.
It really should be them receiving this award …..
but they didn’t take the notes .. it was me ME, ok? .. so tough!

Last, but certainly not least, enormous thanks got to –
David … my rock …. sniff …… my support … my true love
he has supported me through thick and thin
(he may be thin, but certain parts of his anatomy are thick … and long – very long =P~ … but I digress)

I really wou…….. :-# :arrow: :arrow: :arrow:

{What?? They turned my microphone off??? How very dare they? You’re security … I don’t give a **** ….}

lol nicey

[rusty trawler]

@cheekylittleminx wrote:

hmmmmm sorry about that danny glad u knew what i meant lol think the lovely rusty has gone underground hes abandoned his post hahahaha …….tut tut

Hey Cheeky,

I hadn’t abandoned the thread. I think it has died a natural death. There’s only so long a time you can flog a joke.

[rusty trawler]

@sceptical guy wrote:

@rusty trawler wrote:

@Sgt Pepper wrote:

THE IMPOSSIBLE

Highly Recommended.

THE IMPOSSIBLE is currently on release in cinemas.

Great review, Brother Scep.

In case anyone didn’t notice, the review was written by Pepperpot, not by Brother Scep lol

Maybe he’ll write a review of Lincoln, the Steven Spielberg movie just out. I’ve read some rave critical reviews of this.

Apologies. Still a good review.

[rusty trawler]

@kent f OBE wrote:

My son has just finished filming 3 days for a film (she says in a bragging proud mother voice) :lol:
The way he goes on about it (and the way I go on about it) you would think hes the Brad Pitt of the movie but alas he is an extra, who does interact with the main characters though.
It’s a british spoof comedy called Hooligan Factory. Releasing on 15th June.

I shall expect nothing but good reviews for this movie thank you very much people :lol:

(goes off to buy a frock shoes and bag for the oscars)

Of course you’re proud, lassie. You’re a mom: it’s your duty.

Well done to Kenty jr.

[rusty trawler]

@Sgt Pepper wrote:

THE IMPOSSIBLE

Highly Recommended.

THE IMPOSSIBLE is currently on release in cinemas.

Great review, Brother Scep.

[Author]

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