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Ukraine summary – This is quite simply Ukraine’s version of Chakira. Everything is the same, probably even the words but I have to admit I have never listened to the words of a Chakira song before.
She wants us to show her love and talk to her hear, whisper her name and hide her mother? OK maybe I got the last bit wrong, hard to tell with the accent.
Highlight of the lyrics, ‘You’ll be my part that’s why I came’ followed by an enthusiastic scream. Lets say no more on that, else I will have to ban myself from this site.
Nice little jingle, may win over the Chakira fans.
Next up – France
Finland summary – ‘Hard Rock, Hallelujah’ – immediately I am ready for a party. OK we have a bunch of cling-ons wearing plastic party hats adorned with the blue Finnish cross. At least we know the aliens are friendly to one country. Kinda screws the rest of the planet though.
Lots of talk about God – do aliens believe in God? Who cares all I can think about is how hot they must be under the studio lights. Lots of veins and generally disturbing visions. Doubt if I will sleep well tonight.
Will definitely not win – the Mediterranean countries will be appalled with this, especially if their children are awake and watching. I can just imagine Momma Dolmio having to comfort the bambinos as we speak.
The bat wings and screaming bring the harrowing ordeal to an end.
Next up – Ukraine
Greece summary – The home crowd goes wild upon the start of the song. Soon quitens down so we can hear the female singer. Seems like a quiet song, lets see if it picks up…..
‘Everything I hate, everything you do, I’m still in love with everything I hate, everything you do, Everything I see, everything on you’
I sense a broken heart here. Or is she trying to fake us all to win? She looks too happy to be that passionate. I don’t like fraudsters however this is the kind of ballad that goes down well in Eurovision – got a good chance of making it a double for Greece.
A little crazy at the end, perhaps she will be needing the straight-jacket.
12 points at any rate will come from Cyprus.
Next up – Finland
United Kingdom summary – OK we have a bunch of arrogant chav girls who have obviously skipped school to be there, and probably stole loads on the way too.
Now we have the chav leader on stage rapping and telling us about his chav school days whilst the girls do things against and around their school desks which must be against the school rules.
Catchy tune but surely the hints of paedophilia and overall chaviness will cost votes. Expect good votes from the perverts in Italy.
Next up – Greece
Lithuania summary – Initial thoughts are the cast of Reservoir Dogs have walked on stage in their suits. Oh but then it turns into ‘We are the winners of Eurovision, we are we are’.
Sorry lads, we don’t like cockiness here in Blighty – I predict nil points from the UK for this one.
Additionally the awful screaming and posturing makes me want them all to die.
Next up – United Kingdom
Bosnia & Herzegovina summary – Again all in white, quite a stylish set. Nice instrumentals. Waiting for the song…. waiting for the song….
Song has started…. all in foreign so lets get the subtitles on……
OK key lyric is ‘Rosemary in your hair, my dove, lovely dove, my love I wont be there’
Subtitles have now been switched off again. I give this one good votes from the boring countries of Finland, Ukraine and Macedonia.
Next up – Lithuania
**INTERLUDE**
A few more ‘Amazings’ from the female presenter. They want us to keep our enthusiasm up. Don’t worry darling, we are all glued to our TV sets.
Romania summary – Lots of smoke, some mystery and his own girl who is dancing around with her interpretation of a tree in a force 6 gale.
As the song picks up we get more dancers – those flag wavers in the crowd are won over already; so fickle.
Decent voice in the guy, but sounds a little too much like a club album to me. Such music will never win the Eurovision. Nice try though.
Oh and some nice squeaking door impressions at the end to reach the final pant – wetting crescendo.
Next up – Bosnia & Herzegovina
Macedonia summary – Initial thought is, good advert for the Wonder Bra. Initial lyrics are ‘Oh oh oh oh oh oh, woo wooo wooo ohhh ohhhh’. Now apparently she wants to make me feel sweet and make my dreams come true. Probably all a ruse to get a British passport.
Nice body, moves it well so should get a few points from the perves in Italy, France and the UK.
Next up – Romania
Russia summary – Well we can see that the Commie regime is not completely over. Using school children to advance the propoganda machine is obviously still happening, with the Russian entry still sporting his P.E. vest.
He puts up a good effort when you consider the hell he must be going through. Nice mullet too – one that would even impress marty.
He jumps on the piano in an attempt to escape but all his potential saviours in the audience do is wave their flags. Plus there is a well camouflaged KGB agent waiting for him all in white on the piano.
Next up – Macedonia