Wordperfect Helpline

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. The employee was consequently fired after the incident (now I know why they record these conversations!.

Helpline: “Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”

Client: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

Helpline: “What sort of trouble?”

Client: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

Helpline: “Went away?”

Client: “They disappeared.”

Helpline: “Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

Client: “Nothing.”

Helpline: “Nothing?”

Client: “It’s a blank; it won’ t accept anything when I type.”

Helpline: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

Client: “How do I tell?”

Helpline: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

Client: “What’s a sea-prompt?”

Helpline: “Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”

Client: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

Helpline: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

Client: “What’s a monitor?”

Helpline: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.” “Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

Client: “I don’t know.”

Helpline: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

Client: “Yes, I think so.”

Helpline: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

Client: “Yes, it is.”

Helpline: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

Client: “No.”

Helpline: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

Client: “Okay, here it is.”

Helpline: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

Client: “I can’t reach.”

Helpline: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

Client: “No.”

Helpline: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

Client: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”

Helpline: “Dark?”

Client: “Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

Helpline: “Well, turn on the office light then.”

Client: “I can’t.”

Helpline: “No? Why not?”

Client: “Because there’s a power failure.”

Helpline: “A power…………a power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

Client: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

Helpline: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

Client: “Really? Is it that bad?”

Helpline: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

Client: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

Helpline: “Tell them you’re too f**king stupid to own a computer!!!”