What made u smile today………..again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello, gang…you had me worried for a bit. I’m delighted to see that you’re back up; I thought perhaps the Forces of Darkness had nobbled you: I wouldn’t put it past the bastards. Anyway, here’s my news:

I went to my first appointment with my provider (CDG). I went in with an open mind, despite my belief that the Work Program is just another scam to transfer taxpayer’s money from the poor to the rich. But I was prepared to give them a chance: if they could get me back into work at a decent living wage, I’m all for it.

My adviser was a pleasant young man but the Jehovah’s Witness-like fervour with which he explained the WP to me set off a small alarm bell. He made it sound like they’d invented a perpetual-motion machine, as opposed to the same old tired b*llocks that it is. Nevertheless, I withheld judgement.

I asked about vocational training and pointed out the relevant bit of the brochure (part of the ‘welcome pack’ I received). This stated, unequivocally:

“If you require training or qualifications to get into work, we can provide the training directly or arrange it with one of our specialist partners.”

Oh, no, he said. We concentrate on getting you into a job, any job; then you can work until you have enough to pay for your own training. He delivered this nonsense and beamed at me like he’d just discovered the Unified Field Theory.

I didn’t waste my breath pointing out that a minimum-wage job was going to leave me with exactly nothing to ‘save’ for training fees. By now, the small alarm bell was getting louder.

So I asked him what kind of jobs he had access to, taking into account that I had over 30 years of experience in the construction industry.

Cleaning jobs, he said. Lots of cleaning jobs.

With ‘zero hour’ contracts? I asked.

Well, yes, he said and went on to explain that there was nothing to worry about. ‘Zero hours’ contracts were just a company’s way of protecting itself. “You see, otherwise, it’s almost impossible to get rid of workers who aren’t up to the job.”

If he really believed the foregoing, he was an imbecile; if he didn’t but said it anyway, he was a rogue; but I held my tongue The alarm bells were going off loudly now.

When I was asked to sign the Data Protection waiver, I refused. The young man seemed a bit shocked by this.

“But I won’t be able to put you forward for any jobs,” he bleated.

I almost laughed in his face and drew his attention to the bottom of the form, where it’s clearly stated:

“My placement on any program and any employment or future offer of employment will not depend on whether I choose to give consent or not.”

He looked like he’d been hit in the head with a cricket bat. “I’ll have to speak to my supervisor.

“You do that,” I said. Off he went and came back looking glum but he said no more on the subject.

At this point, the alarm bells were deafening and I came to the conclusion that this was an utter waste of my time and these twerps weren’t going to be able to do a damn thing for me (except try to force me into some worthless ‘zero hours’ cleaning job.

Time to launch my Work Program Nullification Strategy (patent pending).

By now, we had moved on to entering my information on his computer. He asked me what I thought the barriers were to my getting work. Well, I said, aside from my age (50s), there’s my criminal record.

His face fell. He knew as well as I did that all those crap cleaning jobs (mostly in hotels and offices) are a non-starter for an ex-con. Is your conviction spent? he asked hopefully. Oh, no, I said, shaking my head mournfully. (I don’t actually have a criminal record but it costs about a 100 quid to find that out with a CRC).

Anything else? he inquired.

Well, yes, I said: my alcoholism.

Ah…erm…he said.

Yes, I said: mostly, I’m on top of it but, you know, once in while, stress and all, I fall off the wagon and I’m sorry to say, I get a bit, you know…violent, hence the criminal record.

By now, he looked like a man whose puppy has just been hit by a bus. (in point of fact, I’m not an alcoholic or even much of a drinker, though this bloody government might change that).

A few more entries and we were done. Next appointment in 3 weeks.

Consider me ‘parked’.

An alcoholic, ex-con in his late 50s? They’re not going to waste another minute or penny more than necessary on me. Which suits me fine.

As far as I can see, this is the best outcome one can hope for with these c*nts: to be left alone. These pimps aren’t going to get me into any kind of work, at least not any job where one can earn enough to live with a little dignity nor are they going to make a penny off me.

The whole thing is a putrid scam cooked up by the usual crooks: socialism for the rich, the ‘free market’ (hoho) red in tooth and claw, for the rest of us. To hell with that. I don’t want to play.