Well Demelza you did ask ………..

Sooooooo

Two months ago I was with a group of kids and a mad Italian women who ran a Forest School (if you don’t know what this is look it up).

On entering we spied a very, very poorly squirrel which looked half dead and couldn’t move and had very starry eyes .  Not wanting the children to see it suffer and die in front of their eyes I decided to pull out my leather gloves from my coat pocket and pick it up from behind, thinking it would be grateful that I was going to move it to a quieter place under a  hedge to die in peace!  As everyone was watching I went for the back end and picked it up. It immediately turned on me grabbing my left forefinger and causing a huge amount of pain.  As I tried to pull it off it bit into the bone of my finger which resulted in me shouting SHIT!!!!   Yes in front of those poor innocent little children! It felt like I was being savaged by a mini Tiger!  The mad Italian women promptly ushered said children away into the forest to make mud pies and weave some willow.

The mad Italian women came back and exclaimed OMG you are bleeding a lot but serves you right for trying to be a hero you bloody drama queen!  (That was typed in her Italian accent)!

I shouted at her (knowing the children were out of ear shot,  stamping on earwigs and pulling at the pet rabbits ears) “ Get that FUCKING gate open I’m going to faint you miserable Italian bitch this bastard has bitten into my bone and I’m going to get an infection I need to get to first aid”!

Once the cow had remembered the combination for the gate lock I ran to first aid and the Receptionist was sat happily filing her nails as I rushed in and shouted with my finger held high “I’ve been bitten by a squirrel!” She laughed and sat there! I said noooooooooo I’ve been bitten by a squirrel and showed her the pouring blood!   She then rushed into the first aid room where I sensibly had laid myself down and put my feet up as I felt so faint with the pain and was in shock.  I couldn’t stop giggling and shouting OMFG this really, really hurts!

It was a one those days that the head had some ‘Important meetings with some very important people’ and she  came rushing in and said put your finger up I said I’m so so sorry I shouted SHIT in front of the children I’m so, so sorry but still couldn’t stop giggling !

The head said ooooooooh you have three puncture wounds I shouted at her! “ Get away you’ve got your posh  clothes on and you’ll get blood all over them”! (Frankly I couldn’t stand her but least I have a heart now and then)!

They stopped the blood, booked me an appointment with the local nurse and made me go for a tetanus and the kindly nurse said “Oh you are my second EXOTIC bite this week” (That made me feel so important and kinda worth being bitten even it was with excruciating pain). Yeah she said someone was trying to save a weasel from a stoat or something like that and got bitten lol  She gave me two lots of some serious antibiotics and absolutely no alcohol for three weeks the bitch! But I  survived!

So then the end of August I visited my son at this new flat in London and wanting to help him decorate and clean and stuff caught an embarrassing illness in that I pulled a little bit of skin around a finger nail and got a serious nail infection which was hugely painful and made my finger go red and blue and  look like a mushroom!

Oh well came home and had a week to myself before  preparing to go back to work .

The day before I went back I tripped over the handles of a cool bag I’d left on the kitchen floor and went flying into the corner of my kitchen cupboards bending my left big toe back and grazing and bruising  both arms on the kitchen cupboard handles, and pulling all the muscles in my shoulders which has caused me to have four sleepless nights in pain. That was  last  Sunday.

On the Tuesday morning whilst enjoying my morning coffee a fucking great big spider ran out and as I jumped up to squish it I slid across the kitchen in my flip flops  and  lacerated my right little toe on the cooker door and it bled like hell.

On the Thursday whilst decluttering my Food Tech room at work my ample body knocked a very heavy slippery Chopping board off the worktop and dropped straight onto my right big toe causing a huge amount of pain and very black bruising! Trust me that wasn’t a pretty sight !  I was over the moon though that the next day it really didn’t hurt a bit just not a pretty sight !

So today feeling happy and lucky and enjoying having a friends doggie and going for walkies their  mummy came and picked them up so started cooking a nice roast  and accidently dropped some boiling hot gravy on the bruised foot !

It blistered badly I have a dressing on it now!

I have photo and video evidence of all of this !

Showing mooosey the photo and video evidence of my injuries and knowing she is an expert in medical issues I asked her if I had some kind of syndrome as some have suggested I might be self-harming!

She replied “Yes you’re a Mong” !

I wanted to hear it was something a bit more exotic but I trust her so will have to go with that! Lol

P.S. Me and that mad Italian selfish cow are bessies!

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Ladyhm, lindaclemenza7