TOP TIPS

Here’s a bunch of Top Tips that I picked up from the Tam Cowan column in the Daily Record. Some of them may have originated in Viz magazine which ran Top Tips as a regular monthly feature.

1 Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain with a permanent marker so that, when you remove it from the washing machine, you can easily locate the area of the stain and check it has gone.

2 Don’t waste money on expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

3 Avoid forgetting where you have parked your car in a large car park by letting all the air out of your tyres. On your return, simply look for the lowest car.

4 Weight watchers: avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place.

5 Olympic athletes: disguise the fact you’ve taken steroids by running a bit slower.

6 Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Considering they’re always going on about tofu and Quorn tasting exactly like the real thing, they won’t know the difference.

7 High blood pressure? Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

8 Royal Mail van drivers: attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your vehicle before starting your journey. You drive the thing like a dodgem, so it may as well look like one.

9 A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

10 Fool your next-door neighbour into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each step.

11 At supermarket checkouts, a Toblerone box makes a handy Next Customer Please sign for dyslexic shoppers.

12 Girls: don’t worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he’s interested in is seeing you starkers.

13 Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ when you leave your car illegally parked.

14 Housewives: get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

15 Don’t invite a drug addict round for something to eat on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive…

16 Rappers. Avoid having to say “know what I’m saying?” all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

17 Bored? Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

18 Prevent burglars stealing everything in your house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, just move it all back again.

19 Motorists. Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

20 Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg-timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out of the pan.

21 Single men. Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside a fashion shop with shopping bags while looking at your watch, occasionally glancing inside.

22 Women. Don’t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn’t care less anyway and you could use the energy to hoover the house once he’s finished.

23 Make a list of all the places you visit each day and hand it into the police station on your way home. That way, in the event of any major incidents occuring, you can quickly be ruled out of enquiries.

Anyone got any more Top Tips…