TIPS..

Weight watchers.

Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f ucking
thing in the first place. :lol:

Make your girlfriend cry when you’re having sex by phoning her up and
telling her. :shock:

Housewives. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident. :lol:

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle. :?

Increase blind people’s electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn’t looking. :lol:
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in
a sand pit in your garden, and shag every bloke who looks at you over
the fence.

Pretend you’re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating
only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus. :lol:

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm
by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
fag from the butt of your last one. :P

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of “rodeo sex.” Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by
the wrong name. See how long you can “stay mounted” for. :lol: :lol: :lol:

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in
is the LEFT f ucking one. :wink: