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  • 27 February, 2006 at 1:19 pm #3088

    Oss

    TIMBER

    I started life
    Ever so small
    Purposely grown
    To take a fall

    Years go by
    True enough I grow
    Tall and strong
    Yet I did not know

    Through many changes
    I have been
    Winters, springs
    Many I have seen

    My friends have grown beside me
    There is nothing that we fear
    Then one day, slowly
    One by one they disappear

    Where there was a canopy
    Purely of green
    Cut back, reduced
    Now barely seen

    Screaming motors draw close
    That fateful day will arrive
    At my feet now
    Not sure if I will survive

    Slicing through my veins
    Cutting through my torso
    My blood weeps
    There is nothing I can do

    I fear for my tenants
    As I provide for them
    What shall they do?
    They have been condemned

    Strong and tall I have become
    Though me they will not remember
    From the moment they shout
    T.I.M.B.E.R

    G.J.Smith

    27 February, 2006 at 10:52 pm #200005

    William_A_Edge


    I like it Oss , lose’s its flow a little in the centre ,but that apart it is great and very topical-William

    28 February, 2006 at 12:04 am #200006

    angelwolf00



    Hi there Oss,

    I like the way you narrated the poem as if the tree was speaking, nice touch, and the pictures of the trees bring a little life to your poem. I can see you put some time in displaying this poem, and I like that in a poet.

    Angelwolf

    28 February, 2006 at 8:34 pm #200007

    Oss

    Cheers AW and William for the comments.

    I’m not to happy with this verse

    Slicing through my veins
    Cutting through my torso
    My blood weeps
    There is nothing I can do

    Especially the word torso, think it throws it out to far.

    Might have to re write that verse :D

    28 February, 2006 at 8:40 pm #200008

    ccvulture

    The rhymes’ strictness went away as the piece progressed; so you should either tighten that up or abandon them altogether; or work in a looser rhyme scheme throughout.

    The use of tree as personal metaphor is well-worn but powerful nonetheless, a good choice.

    It reminds me of the Ents in Lord of the Rings.

    CC

    28 February, 2006 at 11:20 pm #200009

    William_A_Edge


    Hi Oss
    I do think once you start changing a poem you will never be satisfied with it again ,please don’t use this but it could have read

    Slicing through my bark
    cutting through my trunk
    My sap weeps
    There is nothing I can do

    But personaly I would keep it the way it is -William :)

    1 March, 2006 at 3:40 pm #200010

    Oss

    Cheers william mate, i don’t think i will go with your verse, because i feel the verse loses its human feel. The fact it feels like one of us – ALIVE – makes it that more powerful.

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