The Tw@trix – Chapter 4

“way-aye divnt finga mi own f@nny ya men feck lol toon divnt gingas feck lol” typed MentalAsFook.

The 122 other users who were jacked into The Tw@trix all tapped their screens; the Tw@trix Translator was clearly on the blink, and no-one knew what the heck had just been said. Confused “lol”s from everyone else placated MentalAsFook who shut up for a while.

“my boyofriend jus txtd me even tho hes on the sofa next to me” I’mClairelyPissed typed.

Immediately QueenHasBeen snarled “shut up sheepshyte, your drunk and you don’t have a boyfriend and… and… and… you smell of wee”

Born(mental-age-of)free couldn’t remember who she liked and who she didn’t like today so just swore at everybody, just to join in. Then, just to hedge her bets, she pm’d them and told them she was best mates with them as well. To say her real life neighbours were confused would be an understatement. Snarling death threats at them through the letterbox one minute and inviting them for tea and cake the next… Their house was already on the market.

“feck off Qb I so do have a boyofriend he lives next door and he used to be in the SAS but now hes an astronaut working in Tibet building liftshafts in homes for deprived kids. so there”

No-one even bothered trying to stifle their laughs.

I’mClairelyPissed smashed an empty bottle against her desk and held the jagged glass neck up to the screen “come on take me on all of you i dare you”

“clure is pissed” muttered Thick_Slice, helpful as ever.

At this point everyone started typing such complete rubbish that JC was in danger of accidentally producing a Shakespearean work, as per the ‘infinite number of monkeys with typewriters’ hypothesis.

Agents appeared from nowhere, gagging users left, right and centre and the ghost of Shakespeare breathed a sigh of relief. They needn’t have bothered gagging I’mClairleyPissed. In her drunken rage, as she tried to jab the broken bottle neck at the screen, the pile of empty beer crates she used as a seat gave way and she fell; her unconsciousness was more from her blood-alcohol levels than the mild blow to the head.

“Let’s all be nice shall we. Anyone want a jostick to help calm them down?”

WordsAreWorthNothing then gave an eloquent little speech pointing out who was right and who was wrong and a couple of dozen users nodded off. He then went back to his XXX-hardcore pm with someone who claimed to be an 18yr old Romanian girl.

The brief lull let those who love to share their medical problems get a word in edgeways.

“I’m having all my internal organs removed next week” typed SomeoneKillErQuickly randomly.

“That’s nothing. My head fell off the other day” typed SoullessBabe.

“I’m having both my legs cut off next week and robot ones grafted on” typed Dizi-Lizi.

“I died and was revived” typed SomeoneKillErQuickly, not to be out-done.

“I’m actually dead, and doctors don’t know how I’m functioning” typed SoullessBabe, continuing the one-up-woman-ship.

Dizi-Lizi backed down, knowing she had been out-illed.

“After I was revived, I died again, but they didn’t bother reviving me. They just kept swapping stuff and re-plumbing things until I started working again. I’m a medical miracle, dammit!” typed SomeoneKillErQuickly.

SoullessBabe knew not to bother… Most people had been bored rigid and logged out anyway.