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What’s the fashion in Bethlehem?
Holy jeans.
Ah, primary school humour. Still has its place in my life :lol:
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, “F.uck off, you won’t bring it back!”
A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, “Cheese sandwich: 99p; Chicken sandwich: £1.50; Handjob: £20.00.”
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.
“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?”
“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the handjobs?”
“Yes,” she purrs. “Indeed I am.”
The man replies, “Well, go and wash your fu.cking hands. I want a cheese sandwich!”
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, “Morning.”
He replied, “No, just having a sh.it.”
A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the Scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living f.uck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and client�¨le stood silent and motionless.
Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:
Barman: “Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?”
Scouser: “Dunno, but it was something about a ‘job’.”
This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He’s probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which the wife responds, “he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too.”
“Mummy, what’s that between your legs?”
“Erm, that’s where God hit me with an axe.”
“Hell of a shot Mum, right in the c.unt!”
Girls:
If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to “kick your puppy”, don’t call the RSPCA…
He’s just not very good at predictive text.
My bf being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so he could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fu.cking red mark on his forehead.Little Tommy on a farm runs indoors “Mummy! Mummy! The bull’s fuc.king the cow!”
His mum says “No Tommy, you must be polite and say ‘the bull is surprising the cow'”.
Later on Tommy runs in again.
“Mummy! Mummy! The bull’s surprising all the cows!”
His mum says “No Tommy, the bull can’t be surprising all the cows”.
Tommy replies “Oh yes he can; He’s fuc.king the horse!”
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