"Stalking the Moors in a Dirty Mac " chapter 3

Chapter 3

Things were going well… Jokecliff was almost as ‘Jays Gym ‘,

He’d eaten his black pudding sandwich, and drank his can of evaporated milk.

Joker parked ‘Hettie’ and surveyed ‘Jays Gym’. All looked quiet, it was early ….. he got out of Hettie,his antique caravanette, and walked towards the gym.

Jokecliff tried to look inconspicuous,
but in wellies, a dirty mac and a flat cap over a long curly brown wig it was difficult.

Especially as it was 85 degrees in august.

Jokecliff snuck into the gym , no one was about, he heard a radio in the distance and followed the sound ….

Peeking around a door he saw him , Jay. It had to be him, toned, bulging muscles, tight firm buttocks,

and he was polishing a ‘Mr Bolton Trophy’!!

Jokecliff felt a stirring where he hadnt felt a stirring in many a year ….

” damn him ….”

It was time for action …

Jay had his back to him whistling….

Jokecliff silently mouthed ” vvanker vvanker I hate you ” at Jays back,

then shook his fist at him and stuck out his tongue, then ran back to Hettie, laughing hysterically !!

” That will show him not to mess with ‘The Joke’ “

Jokecliff was back in his beloved Hettie, and nibbling on a ryvita with some Sandwich Spread.

” yes… mission accomplished, “

He had a brief flash back of jays taught buttocks, and shook his head so violently to remove the image, his wig slipped over his eyes and he nearly steered hettie into a hedge.

Jokecliff felt happy and content in the knowledge he had given Jay ‘what for ….’

He removed Cliff from the tape deck, only so much ‘ Mistletoe and Wine ‘ one can take, unless your ‘Alkiarse !!

Jokecliff wound down the window, took and deep breath and started singing a little song , he was so happy.

” Bobbing along… bobbing along, on the bottom of the beautiful briney sea , what a chance to get a better peep ,
at the plants and creatures of the deep…. we’ll ….”

BUMP !!

Hettie shuddered, he’d hit something .

” Pox !!! “

Jokecliff, jumped out to see what he had hit and saw only a pile of rags …

he went over and was about to kick the rags out of the way when he heard a groan ….

Investigating with his wellie he kicked the rags away, pulling himself up from the road was a small, skinny, bluey grey, figure… bald head and bulging eyes, empty mouth, and wearing a tiny loin cloth .

Jokecliff felt a jolt of recognition !!

O M G !!

“could it be ? yes it was “

It was Mummys old manservant ‘ upthe_a(x)ante !! “, who had been fired years before for theft and really bad wind !!

Jokecliff felt something, was it a twinge of conscience ? a nano-second later it had passed.

Already he was thinking how he could benefit from this chance roadkill situation.

” He could use someone to shovel the pig shyte and help feed Mummy “

” Upthe _a(x)ante Tis I !!! Jokecliff, how ive missed you, come with me old friend, you can work for me and see Mummy again !! “

” I thought Mummy passed, she must be 126 years old ? “

Jokecliff changed the subject and helped Upthe_a(x)ante into Hettie with his wellie.

Upthe_a(x)ante sat in the passenger seat of Hettie and said , ” why was I fired ? I served you and MummyCliff so well ? “

” i wouldnt go that far ” replied Joke,

” you were caught wearing your gold-plated medallion on your todger and you did keep pishing in the Aspidistra !!..
not to mention sitting in a tree naked calling Bornfree_to Poo on her mobole all night !!! “

Upthe_a(x)ante looked sheepish ” pox!! i didnt think they knew about the aspidistra…” he thought.

Soon they were back at the ‘Estate’ ( author laughs hysterically)

” come on zante, have a look around and go and say hello to Mummy “

zante approached the rocking chair nervously, his little skinny grey body trembling…

” Has she eaten her Sardines ? ” yelled Jokecliff

” No masterrrr … she does appear to have lost some weight recently tho “

” ohh women… never happy “

Jokecliff , stripped off his crusties and donned his favourite negligee,

he was feeling very pleased with himself.. Jay had been sorted out good and proper !!

” Upthe_a(x)ante ?? ” he yelled… ” make mummy and me some cocoa , then you may bed down in the cow shed “

zante did as instructed and bided his time …. Once he was sure Jokecliff was asleep, he went back to his old room, that he had been evicted from so promptly….

He counted the paces from the back wall …. 3, 4, 5, he knelt and began to dig,,,, he felt something hard ( very unusual)

and yessss !!! he draged out an old wooden box ….

” My Precious…. My Precious ….. “

He opened the box, there it was, His precious, he stroked it lovingly with his grey clawlike hands ….

then he picked it up and half walked, half crawled to the cow shed.

He made himself comfortable and licked his Precious……………

a 1972 copy of ” Chubby Cheap Chicks “

To be continued…..