SMOKER

I’ve had a great idea to help people smoke this Summer. I am going to organise a ‘Smoker’ concert like they did in the days of the Raj in India and at Cambridge University. It’s going to be held OUTSIDE so that lots of people can go along and smoke cigarettes without getting beaten up by police. It’s going to be incredibly popular with lots of famous pop bands which will appeal to smokers of all ages such as The Shadows, The Rolling Stones, The Spice Girls, James Blunkett (and his dog of course) and Kajagoogoo. I will probably go on stage at some point and do my Ronnie Corbett impression.

There will be a big sign on stage saying ‘Please Smoke Lots of Cigarettes’ so that people don’t think they are doing anything dirty. I would probably get Posh Spice and Mick Jagger to go on stage in between songs and puff on some Bensons to get people in the mood. Of course, many people will be attracted by the offer of FREE CIGARETTES. People who wanted to smoke other drugs could bring their own stuff although I would charge a small corkage fee to pay the bent coppers.

I will charge TEN POUNDS entrance money to cover the costs of cigarettes and ashtrays but, for an extra FIVE pounds, I will provide special smoking trains and buses to ferry people to the Smoker from all the major towns and cities. People who don’t smoke will have to sit on the roof like they do in India.

I will have lions and tigers walking freely amongst the crowd and giant cobras hanging from the portaloos – all adding to the strangely-asian atmosphere (Don’t worry – they will have their teeth and claws removed so nobody can get TOO badly mauled!).

I would imagine there will be HUNDREDS of people who would be interested in entertainment like that. Lots of people would like to be nibbled by a tiger. It’s probably just as enjoyable an experience as smoking, I would imagine. I was trying to think of a suitable name for the Smoker – I though ‘Panic in the Park’ would be appropriate but someone said it might give the impression that the concert was not well organised.