Second day of Rehearsals

Helen of France and Penny made an executive decision to fire the camels. Angelturnedtodust, had been making wailing noises all night and they couldn’t afford to have the three wise men disappear just as they were about to bestow their gifts on the Bolton Bomber Blondes, new born baby.

Asiannastymale, being the least popular of the bunch had been tied up, gagged and shoved up the exhaust pipe of a lorry destined for Romania by FatishNeil. HGV1 had bribed the lorry driver with a box of hankies to drop Asiannastymale off at a well known “Red Light Rent Boy” district.

MAX, TeeTotal, PhoenixCD, AveDude and Yukon had been trying to hitch a lift back to the Real World of JC but every time a vehicle stopped MAX, said something totally inappropriate and the lift would drive off before they could even get in. Yukon was all for shooting MAX but AveDude being a far gentler soul, said he would find a way to get MAX to “shuddup” and had asked Miss Rose to FedEx him a Gimp mask. The Motley crew were now on the side of the M1, with MAX looking like a cross between a flashing Christmas tree and a baseball bat. Miss Rose had gone overboard, adding a few more decorations to her customised gimp masks for the festive season.

The beautiful red sparkly curtains that Annetteknittingthecurtain, had finally finished and hung, were looking resplendent. So much so, Annetteknittingthecurtain was not keen on anyone opening them and if they did manage to get them open, the minute she saw someone she didn’t like Annette, closed them again.

Eve had stood by the corner of the stage “psssssst, pssssssst”, she had been trying to attract CatLady’s attention when the curtain had come crashing down on her head. Annette cackled as she watched Eve try to fight her way out from under the woollen curtain.

Miss Rose, who was in charge of props was trying to shove a gimp mask on Angelturnedtodust, who had wailed constantly about her dress, her wings, her shoes, her wand, despite Nonwelshfem, pointing out that “angels don’t have wands that is fairies”, several times, she was still wailing.

ThinNoDiceNoIce, acting completely out of character had handed Angelturnedtodust a pair of knickers he had asked his apprentice to knock up for her. The knickers just made her wail more, she wanted pink glittery ones and Thin, had presented her with grey, muddy looking ones with splatters of paint everywhere. Miss Rose was fed up to the back teeth with the lot of them, she was not feeling her best, having caught man flu from trouble earlier in the week. In a fit of anger she had plopped the gimp mask on Angelturnedtodust, zipped it up, snatched the grey muddy pants from her, “Step” Miss Rose demanded, Angelturnedtodust did as she was told and stepped into the grotty pants. Miss Rose pulled them up, smoothed down her dress and told her to get on with it.

Angelturnedtodust, not only shut up she went very still as she realised that there was something poking up her bottom, ThinNoDiceNoIce’s apprentice had failed to remove the bits of wood from the dust sheets before he had turned them into knickers. Angelturnedtodust couldn’t quite figure out what was going on but she felt as if she had half a plank of wood stuck up her bottom, which she did, ThinNoDiceNoIce, may have been noble enough to hand a lady a pair of knickers, but there always had to be a catch!

The Three Wisemen were having a well earned cup of tea having just arrived back from the “death by Camel” ride. Their run of bad luck was continuing , just as they assumed they would get a quiet five minutes before rehearsals recommenced, they had been cornered by Wordstoobloodymanytoreadworth, who decided to inform them about the Social structure of England. FatishNeil kept raising his eyes at HGV1, who was pretending to be polite and listen. Billyards had given up and was snoring loudly.

FatishNeil finally managed to get a word in..”Bloody hell words I hope to feck I am not dreaming, cos if I am, this is a waste of a ruddy good sleep!!!” FatishNeil slurped his tea and Wordstoobloodymanytoreadworth, took it as a compliment and continued to bore the backside off everyone including the turkey.

MinnieClaireWales and Mariapizzeria were bored. They had bought all the booze for the after play party and drunk most of it whilst watching Jadey beat up a funny looking black and white bear on stage. Despite Mariapizzeria, being read the bible by MatureMalemovingtoSuffolk, she had been too drunk to concentrate by the time it got to the “Birth of Jesus” and thought that the black and white bear being taught to fly by Jadey’s doc Martins, was part of the plot. Once the bear had been left to swing by its neck from the ceiling, they had moved onto the donkey. MinnieClaireWales and Mariapizzeria were now playing pin the tail on the donkey, with a black and decker cordless drill.

Blonde the Bomber from Bolton finally waddled onto stage, heavily pregnant and moaning about back ache, piles and her knees.

ThinNoDiceNoIce stepped forward…. “Please Mary, geron the donkey luv, you can’t walk all the way to Bethlehem, now you’ve been knocked up by God.”

The Donkey, hearing its master’s voice, stepped forward, and stopped in front of the BomberAKAMary.

“Well I suppose it beats walking, especially with my knees. Reluctantly, as many had done before her, ThinAKAJoseph, helped her get her leg over the donkey. The BomberAKAMary tutted a few times before she managed to get herself comfortable.

ThinAKAJoseph was issuing instructions, “Sit up straight, and pull your shoulders back, heels down.” BomberAKAMary, reached over and clouted him, “Shut up, unlike you, this is the first time I have mounted a donkey.”

MinnieClaireWales was holding the tail as Mariapizzeria took aim with her black and decker cordless drill, just as the drill buzzed into action so did the donkey. Gill Cambs shot up taking Kenty’s backside with her. The donkey jumped off the stage with the Bomber clinging on to its neck, the angels scattered in all directions screaming, Angelturnedtodust moved slowly out of the way, just in time to see ThinNoDiceNoIce fly past her attached to the donkey by a lead rein. The donkey shot out the door, knocking Alkiarse over as he had tried to rescue his Bolton Beast.

The Bomber screamed at Thin “Get me orf your ruddy donkey.” Just as MinnieClaireWales and Mariapizzeria looked at each other and said “Bloody-hell-real-life-Buckaroo!!”

Sgt Salt’s announcement came within seconds of the disappearing donkey “I %%%%% %%-%% %%%%% -QUIT”
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