Political correctness………..

Just a different slant on an old theme, Lighthearted but a familiar subject I am sure?

Nelson; Order the signal Hardy!

Hardy; Aye Aye Sir

Nelson; Hold on!………. That’s not the signal I ordered?

Hardy; Sorry Sir

Nelson; (reading aloud) England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, religious orientation, sexual preference, religious persuasion or preference or disability……. What gobbledegook is this???

Hardy; Admiralty policy I am afraid sir, we are an equal opportunities employer now, we had the devils own job getting ‘’England’’ past the censors, least let it be racist.

Nelson, *bangs head on cabin wall * Hand me my pipe and tobacco (he say’s)

Hardy; sorry sir all navy vessels have been designated smoke free working environments.

Nelson; In that case break open the rum ration, let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle!

Hardy; The rum ration has been abolished Admiral, It’s part of the governments scheme to abolish binge drinking.

Nelson; ‘’Good heavens’’ Hardy…..I suppose we better get on ‘FULL SPEED AHEAD

Hardy; there is a four knot speed limit on this stretch of water sir.

Nelson; ‘’Damn it man’’ We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle ever and we must advance with all dispatch, report from the crows nest please.

Hardy; that won’t be possible sir.

Nelson; WHAT????

Hardy; Health & Safety have closed the crow’s nest as there is no harness, they also said the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations, they will not allow anyone up there until a proper scaffold has been installed.

Nelson; Then get me the ships carpenter now!!!

Hardy; He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair ramp.

Nelson; I’ve never heard of anything so absurd.

Hardy; Health & safety again sir, we have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled.

Nelson; ‘’Differently abled’’??? I’ve only one arm and one eye man!……………
I refuse to hear mention of the word ‘’Differently abled’’……..I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card!

Hardy; actually sir you did, The royal navy is under represented in the area’s of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

Nelson o O (whatever next) ‘’Give me full sail’’ The salt of the sea spraying in my face beckons.

Hardy; A couple of problems their too sir; Health & safety will not let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and they do not want anyone breathing in too much salt.

Nelson; I’ve never heard such infamy, Break out the cannon, tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy!

Hardy; The men are a bit worried about shooting anyone admiral.

Nelson; WHAT!?……. This is mutiny……..

Hardy; It’s not that sir, It’s just they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill someone……There is a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks.

Nelson; So tell me Hardy?……..How are we supposed to sink the frenchies and the Spanish?

Hardy; Actually sir we are not.

Nelson; We’re not!!!!!!!!

Hardy; The French and the Spanish are our EU partners now, According to the common fisheries policy we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water, we could be hit with a claim for compensation.

Nelson; But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil? (I Think that quote is the best ever!)

Hardy; I wouldn’t let the ships co-ordinator hear you say that sir, You will be up on a disciplinary before sunset.

Nelson; You must consider everyman an enemy who speaks ill of your king.

Hardy; Not anymore sir, We must be inclusive in this multicultural age………Now put on your kevlar vest, It’s the rules, it could save your life.

Nelson; Don’t tell me Health & Safety, Whatever happened to rum and a damn good whipping for mis-behaviour?

Hardy; As I said sir…….Rum is off the menu and there is a ban on corporate punishment!

Nelson; There is only one thing left to say Hardy.

Hardy; What’s that sir?

Nelson; Kiss me hardy………………………………………………………

Dibb’s.