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I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, “you’re next.”
They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.
I went to see Chubby Brown at the weekend. As soon as he came on stage I started shouting “You fat bas.tard! You fat bast.ard!”
Then I was told by security that that sort of behaviour wasn’t tolerated at the Labour party conference.I went to a group therapy session for agoraphobics, but no other fuc.ker showed up…
A mother, cleaning her son’s room, finds an S&M magazine under the bed.
Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
“Well?” his wife asks. “What do you think we should do?”
“I’m not sure,” the father replies. “But we certainly shouldn’t spank him.”My mate died after fuc.king an inmate at the psychiatric hospital where he worked.
Turns out he had a serious nut allergyWhy is it that the Avon lady can go knocking on random women’s doors and ask them if they are interested in a refreshing facial but, when a man does it, they make him sign the sex offenders register?
An old man took his wife to the doctor’s. After a short examination the doctor said, ‘I’m afraid your wife’s mind has completely gone!’.
The old man replied, ‘I’m not surprised. She’s been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 45 yearsJust been to visit a Scottish pal.
…and found him stripping the walls of wallpaper.
“Doing a bit of renovating are you?” I asked.
“No, we’re moving house”, he said.Paddy and Mick have been factory workers for years and they go to the industry doctor to claim compensation for loss of hearing.
Mick goes in first and the Doctor whispers behind his hand, “shut the door.”
Mick shuts it and the Doctor says, “there’s nothing wrong with your hearing, fuc.k off. NEXT!”
As Paddy passes Mick , Mick whispers, “Paddy, whatever you do, don’t shut the fuc.king door when he asks you to.”
Paddy goes in and the Doctor whispers behind his hand, “shut the door.”
Paddy replies, “shut it yourself, you lazy fuc.king cu.nt.”
My mate came round earlier and told me his wife is eating for two.
She’s not pregnant though, she’s American
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