Pats: This Sporting Life or, "Plastic Surgery on the Ch

Whilst Pats has always been a pauper coming, as she did, from a background of
cleaners, buskers and £1 lighter sellers, it was always going to prove difficult for her to participate in any pastimes that actually cost money. Obviously through working herself as she got older though, often in jobs that no-one but an ex-offender or Pole would do, Pats did occasionally find the money to enjoy herself. Gooseberry picking in Oxfam wellies or, a trip to the park to steal bread from the ducks, were particular favourites. Yet one pursuit which always gave her quivers only normally seen with a Parkinsons sufferer, was female sunday morning rugby.
Scrumming down in the middle of a pitch, with a group of people who had to be in her company for longer than 4 seconds without calling the police, or begging for mercy, Rugby was always going to be a favourite. Organising woman to widen their legs and stand firm in the face of powerful thrusts, Pats realised that if she didn’t make it throwing a leather egg around, then she was at least gaining experience for p0rn directing if she could find the busfare to the studio. But organisation wasn’t just the most fascinating thing about the game itself, Pats also loved running down a muddy wing, smashing into fearsome looking women, as a means of getting across a line. This often reminded her of the time she found herself chasing feral dogs who’d stolen the pidgeons she’s been cooking from her cumbrian cave/homestead. Pats already had the experience!
Another unexpected benefit Pats discovered through her love of the sport, was that whilst normal Rugby players had to endure Cauliflower Ears or Broken Noses as a natural hazard of the job, she actually found that these physical deformities actually IMPROVED her appearance to such an extent that groundsmen at various playing-fields, gradually began to desist from locking her in the lawnmower shed without a leccy bulb anymore!
Although Rugby has been instrumental in slowly improving her life-chances, the job is far from over, with many strangers still thinking that The Mask 2 is being filmed, upon first meeting with her! For these distressing reasons, everyone’s attendance at the Halloween poetry reading, fund raising night at her local, is so crucial. Please come to the Pats: A Mong not a Monster night, to help enable her neighbours to put away their flaming torches.