Parents dictionary

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings

PRE-NATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s dummy by boiling it and to your last baby’s dummy by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WHO-DUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.