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~ October Night ~On a crisp October night,
By love’s sweet spell I knew
My life would never be the same
Beneath the autumn moon.
Bewitching words of love spake he
To lure me from the light…
Ever-enchanting promises
As solace from my fright.The longer he whispered,
the farther I dared To follow the path he led,
All the while fighting a hideous case
Of perpetual fear and dread.The man – so irresistible,
Well-versed and full of charm,
Swore the world and all it held
Lay waiting in his arms.Of immortality he spake,
Of life fit for a queen…
Of wealth untold, magnificent tales
Of places I’d never been.With all my might, I struggled to fight
The spell of the stranger’s eyes,
Willing myself with all I had
To run from the stranger’s lies.But blinded by tears and stricken with fright,
I sadly could fight no more…
Surrender gave way on that sweet “October night”
To all he had promised before.With quite a surprising tenderness,
He offered then his hand,
Transporting we two – to greater heights,
Just as he had planned.We danced across the moon…
We loved all through the night,
Demanding but one concession…
That I sacrifice the light.You see,
The man who stole my heart
Required so much more.
Destiny deems I walk the night
As never I did before.By day, I sleep with sweet regret
And wait for evening’s fall,
To dance the dance, I shan’t forget
Each time I hear his call…Angelwolf
i hope you dont mind some criticism that may make this sound slightly better??
try replacing the word spake with spoke it will make it sound more natural, and the line “the farther i dared to follow the path he led”, is a tad too long i feel, it could be shortened to simply the farther i dared to follow.
with the next line, “all the while fighting a hideous case”, you do not need to say it is hideous, because the “perpetual fear and dread” in the next line, tells the reader that it is an unpleasant task.
also if you change “bewitching words of love spake he” to, he spoke bewitching words of love, again it will seem more natural.
you could lose the sweet, before “october night” as well it will help it scan better.
with a suprising tendernes
he offered his hand
transporting us to greater heights
just as he plannedthat is how i wouldve written that verse, sometimes less is more if you know what i mean?
in the next verse if you lose the “you see” it keeps it in line with the rest of the four lined verses, and lose the last verse completely, again less is more.
sorry if this seems a bit harsh, but as a writer of poetry myself i sometimes find that criticism however harsh can sometimes help us improve, as long as it is constructive. :wink: :D
Thanks for the post, but this poem was a “creative word poem” in a poetry group I am on, and all those words you mentioned are on the list of words that had to be in the poem for the poem to be submitted. It also had to be on a certain subject. I guess some would think that it makes it difficult when you have 30 words you have to use, but I find it challenging.
There are many of my poems that have come out of these kind of exercises.
Angelwolf
To Cymorill
Next time before you spake
unless you have thick skin
to jump in with both feet
may result in egg on chin [-X :-@The Observer wrote:
To Cymorill
Next time before you spake
unless you have thick skin
to jump in with both feet
may result in egg on chin [-X :-LOL. But I am glad Cymorill gave his opinion as some constructive criticism of your poetry was long overdue. Angelwolf – may i suggest if you are going to experiment with a poem then you explain what you are trying to achieve from the outset. The likes of Cymorill (or other experienced people) will maybe be more willing to offer comment then, without fear of being ‘set up’ for a mickey-take by The Observer. Unless you like the obsequiousness of Spanish and Co, of course – in which case, carry on you are doing just fine.
To Angelwolf00
30 words at random!!!
I’m not sitting on the fence here
but to get them into order
and make a rhyme that’s sense dearIs really such a task
and one beyondeth most
I think I will get off my fence now
and hammer home my post :D(cut short due to distraction!!!!) :P
@james Belfast wrote:
@The Observer wrote:
To Cymorill
Next time before you spake
unless you have thick skin
to jump in with both feet
may result in egg on chin [-X :-LOL. But I am glad Cymorill gave his opinion as some constructive criticism of your poetry was long overdue. Angelwolf – may i suggest if you are going to experiment with a poem then you explain what you are trying to achieve from the outset. The likes of Cymorill (or other experienced people) will maybe be more willing to offer comment then, without fear of being ‘set up’ for a mickey-take by The Observer. Unless you like the obsequiousness of Spanish and Co, of course – in which case, carry on you are doing just fine.
I think you will find that Cymorill is a she :wink:
Whatever :wink:
Hi
Your original relier did have a point thoug, regardless of whether you accept it or not…x
CC
observer, i wasnt aware that it was a creative writing exercise, as for me having egg on my face, not at all, a criticism is still a criticism regardless of the content. i think she has a talent, and personally i reckon she should give up the classes and just write from her soul, writing cannot be forced, it should flow naturally, it is the only way to develope your own sense of style and rythym. that of course is just my opinion tho. :D
and yes i am a she :wink: :lol:
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