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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck”.
“I see your eyes are working”, replies the duck.
“And you talk!” exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working too”, says the duck, “now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly”, says the barman, “sorry about that, it’s just that we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road”, explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues each day for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, “You’re with the circus aren’t you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!”
“Sounds marvellous”, says the ringmaster, “get him to give me a call”.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!”
“Yeah?”, says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”
“At the circus”, says the barman.
“The circus?” the duck enquires.“That’s right”, replies the barman.
“The circus?” the duck asks again.
“Yes” says the barman.
“That place with the big tent?” the duck enquires.
“Yeah” the barman replies.
“With all the animals?” the duck questioned.
“Of course” the barman replies.
“With the big canvas roof, with the hole in the middle”, asks the duck.
“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck looks confused, “What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?!
RIDDLE
What gets longer when pulled……………
Fits between your boobs…………..
Inserts neatly in a hole, and
Works best when jerked………………… ???
A SEAT BELT you pervert!!!
9 MONTHS
Two friends John and Iain, have decided to have a cheap holiday, so pack up their bikes n set off for a weekend camping. As night draws closer the weather starts to turn nasty and they decide to stop at the next house and ask for shelter.
A few miles down the road they see a sprawling country house, make their way down the drive and ring the bell. A middle aged woman opens the door and the explain their plight.
“Sorry” she says, “I’m recently widowed and if the neighbours see you two coming in and out, I wont be able to stand their gossip”
“Thats OK” says John “We can sleep in the barn, and if the weather clears, we’ll be away before dawn and no one will ever know we were here”
The woman agrees and John and Iain spend the night in the barn. Sure enough, as the day breaks they see blue skys and set off to enjoy the rest of their break.
9 months later, John appears at Iains door
“Remember when we were on holiday 9 months ago” he says “did you by any chance get up through the night?”
Iain looks a bit embarressed “yes”
“And did you by any chance go up to the house to visit our host”
Looking more nervous, Iain once again replies “yes”
“And, maybe by accident, did you use my name instead of your own while you were with her”
Cringing this time Iain mumbles yes again “Whats happened?” he asked
“She died an left me the lot” laughs John
What did you think was going to happen??? you lot have one track minds ;)
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Loved the first one Duck …. :lol:
Old Lady
A little old lady is walking down the street in Green Bay WI., dragging
two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $50 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.Noticing this, a policeman stops her..”Ma’am, there are $50 bills falling out of that bag…” “Damn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money?” “Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard butts up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!”. “So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $50 or off it comes!”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”. “Well”, says the little old lady, “Some guys think I’m bluffing
That aint bad Mary at all :lol: :lol: :lol:
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