Long, passionate post that I can’t really title.

I know some people won’t like this post, and I realise folks will accuse me of all kinds of intentions. But sometimes you need to get things off your chest. (I am friendly with a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses, and they would advise me to stay quiet). But sometimes you need to take action to make the world a better place. Hurting anyone, and I do mean anyone is abhorrent to me. That is why I kept apologising but I now wish I hadn’t. I am soft, but I don’t think I am weak. I have a medical condition, but I look young for my age and I still feel strong. At this very moment, I feel on edge and upset. My hands are shaking as I type and I have tears in my eyes. This is the truth; but I know many people will be scornful of me. There will accuse me of being over-emotional, weak or being a troll. But I am not. I don’t mind if the Billy Goat Gruffs come trip, trapping over my bridge.

On another board, I noticed someone had begun an introductions thread. It was a new board and it turned out to be a great success. I couldn’t see anything similar on this message board, so I put up a picture and introduced myself – inviting others to do the same. And initially this was successful, but when I wrote about people’s hearts and minds, I got the “can you believe this guy” comment. Completely insulting and from someone I had never spoken to and he hadn’t introduced himself. If he wasn’t interested, why bother to post on my thread. But what happened next, really annoyed me. Instead of an apology, I got “I won’t cause you any more trouble Martin. But if I was you, I would be too embarrassed to come back in here”. An awful thing to say and he wouldn’t let it lie. Often quipping about people who are too sensitive and can’t take a joke. And this really hurt and I felt nervous posting on here.

I don’t blame the lady with the signature saying about people taking themselves too seriously, but in his approval of this, it was clear the fellow had me in mind. So I do regret saying sorry. Because this is simply bullying and I am not going to stand for it. Not all bullies threaten and abuse people in a obvious way. If you’re thinking that I am making too much of a fuss, I can understand this, but you aren’t seeing the whole picture from my position. So without mentioning anything specific, I have contacted a couple of MPs I know to ask them about internet bullying. I bet a lot of people leave sites like this for similar reasons.

And I do think I deserve an apology. I now realise I was right to make a fuss or a stand against this sort of behaviour. And it is nothing to do with my “weaknesses”. I can understand people sticking by their friend, and you are right to do so in many words. But is the justice? Not in my book is isn’t. I realise this paragraph has brought three other people into this, and I am sorry, but I must set the record straight. You’re all good characters and I do respect you. I hope you can forgive me for disagreeing with your words. But how would you feel if you were subject to this sort of treatment? You would be very unhappy! And I am certainly not going to stand by if someone who has never spoken to me accuses me of an over-dramatic exit etc. This isn’t justice.

Just to explain a bit about myself: At the age of 12 I developed a medical condition which still remains a mystery to this day. And it has got worse as I have aged. I did manage to obtain a few O and A levels at school and I passed 18 exams and qualified as an accountant despite having to go out of some of them because of ill-health. I was captain of my local cricket team for a while and picked up lots of playing awards. I become a good runner and won several races, but health was always a problem and in 2000 I fell unconscious and was taken to hospital in my only attempt to run the London Marathon.

Arthritis is a crippling disease, but many people don’t understand all the other effects it can have. I have iritis and regular headaches, I have permanent mouth ulcers, but the things that affect me the most is bladder and bowel problems. I am not incontinent, not at the moment anyway, but this does have a serious effect on your life. Sometimes I pass blood and have to take tests, but nothing ever comes from it. When I feel very ill, then it is only natural that depression and anxiety follows. I work and live at home. On my own. I don’t go out very much and I have often left concerts and plays because I just don’t feel up to it. I don’t say this because I want any sympathy; I have had this from people before and it really was just all false. They don’t care one bit. I say this so people may understand my intentions and my way of thinking. And I am certainly not making excuses for things I have said in here, because I stand by everything. Well, apart from some of the apologies and liking custard with shepherd’s pie.

The best thing I have ever done, the thing that I am most proud of, is the 18 years I spent helping and running a club for children aged between 7 and 12. I loved doing it and I put my heart and soul into it. Not to forget, thousands of pounds and hundreds of hours every year. But then the vicar from hell arrived and wanted to make big changes. He met someone behind my back and they took over the running of the club. Leaving me to stand in the shadows. I couldn’t believe it and three years later I still can’t get over it. I won a community award for my voluntary work, but I can’t look at the certificate any longer. It has come off the wall, to be hidden away forever.

So I decided, with such a restricted lifestyle, why not go and try chatting to people online. I could really do some good, bringing my Monty Python/Vic Reeves style of silly humour, with some real warmth and care. I quickly realised people were mainly logging just because they were bored, wanted entertainment or they were looking for cybersex! I thought I could do something different. Bring some of my passions, emotion, real humour and make an impact. And sometimes it even worked, but most of the time it certainly did not. I logged in and made jokes at inappropriate times and places. Someone had just loved a loved one, and I didn’t know and you can guess the rest. One person thought I was a female and I played along for a laugh, while a couple of amused friends looking on. But I didn’t consider that I was hurting this person and he felt we were laughing at him. That would have been my last intention and I feel such a fool and so sorry for behaving in this manner.

I made some really good friends in chat. Or so I thought. But as soon as circumstances changed they were off and they didn’t seem to care. There was no intention to stay in touch. One lady I had known for a year, she was a teacher in Florida and any man would be attracted to her wonderful personality. She was a cancer survivor and has medical conditions as well as me and we have much in common. She approached me to get a little closer and said some wonderful words. But a few months later, almost overnight, she told me she wanted to spent her time in the real world. How can I deny her this? I couldn’t, but although we are still friends it is clear that she used me and those words once spoken to me were false.

So I moved into F3 and straight away I met someone rather wonderful. And she inspired me and I thought I had made a friend for life. But as always seems to happen, she disappeared without saying a word. And recently? I have been so frustrated in chat. People going missing, a friend ignoring what I have to say, others pming me and then running off without trying to understand me and I have tried desperately trying to get a conversation going by making jokes, being silly, or just talking about life in general. So as you can gather, chatting is more important to me than most. It is the main way I get to socialise and talk to people. And sometimes you think, “I am brilliant, fantastic, unique. I can make people laugh and I will praise them up. I will make a difference and an impact on people’s lives”. But I am not brilliant at all. Just a complete failure.

And work? I can’t even trust friends now even though they know I need their help. A lot of my work comes from a bigger company and there are several people there who I regard as mates. The owner went to primary school with me and lived just two doors away from me. If I was ever short of work, they would always come up trumps. For 19 years. Until August of this year, when they took on more staff. And while the door isn’t completely shut, I feel let down. They didn’t give me any sort of reason. And I am not very flexible because of health and I haven’t got a practising certificate. But sometimes, things are for the best. Today, I have secured a new contract and this looks very promising indeed. Next week, I have some more very exciting meetings. So I am going to be very busy and probably won’t be able to log in on here for a while. I can hear the cheers already!

I hate upsetting people. I know they have friends and family who love them and they have feelings too. But sometimes you have to speak out when you feel the need to. I have no dislike for the two people I have argued with. I can see that they both have some very good qualities. But I don’t want to be bullied – I have plenty of that in the past. I want to post on here, feeling comfortable and not fearing that somebody is going to laugh at me or give abuse. I am already sad and I don’t want to be sad. What I really, really want is for the two guys to come up to me and talk to me. So we can have some sort of understanding and friendship even. It isn’t about demanding an apology or trying to get something over these people or to “beat them”. I just want to post without feeling intimidated.

Some will read this with contempt. But lets just say this: I look around outside of me and I am not that impressed. Sure there are people around me who are polite and they are intelligent and they big houses, with swimming pools,stables, tennis courts and gyms. But are they really part of the community? How much do they take out of life and how much do they put back in? At the moment we have awful politics, a pathetic press, huge inequality, a massive threat from environmental and resource catastrophe, an unsustainable economy which most people don’t understand and a complete lack of care. I will always fight for justice(not literally) and I am well aware that people, mainly through the lack on knowledge, don’t share my views. I just know someday the button will click and people will pick up on the importance of a green,local economy and lifestyle. I will stand by this words. If you are a lifetime supporter of a particular party, then please investigate green polices and influence them to follow suit. One day they will have to and I hope it isn’t too late. Climate change and resource depletion really is the biggest threat we have had to face. Don’t let the large, tax-dodging, corporations destroy the planet. And I am most certainly not a marxist. Just a green, qualified accountant, who can see all the faults in business, but can see all the possibilities too. There are plenty of like-minded economists and accountants that see it the same way. Like the New Economics Foundation and Richard Murphy for example.

Back on topic, I want Rach56 to come back into the chat room and we can talk about marmite and what the Queen has in her handbag. I really desire to talk to Meg and find out how she is getting on practising pieces by Handel on her keyboard. And I yearn to tease Nice about David, but in an affectionate, rather than a nasty way. And I want to talk to all the fantastic people on this board. Lots of people come into chat and are disappointed. They leave without saying goodbye. I don’t see why I can be honest and say I am disappointed myself. That I hoped for something better. That I desire human beings to aspire to more than we are doing at the moment. And I do think it is cruel and rather callous, to tell me just to leave here instead of moaning or threatening to go. Personally I wouldn’t anyone to leave, especially if it is my fault. I would implore them to stay.

I felt the need to make this long post and if you think I will be embarrassed about it in anyway, then you will be completely correct. I have set myself up with a huge target on my back, front, face,legs and you-name-it. Despite what I said in the last paragraph, there can be no comeback from this. You won’t hear from me again. Besides, I probably haven’t any more topics that I can talk about! But I will always remember some of the people on this board and in the chat room. The kindness, the advice gratefully received and acted upon and some wonderful intelligent people with such interesting personalities.

I can’t write the way sceptical does. I am just not articulate enough and I haven’t got his intelligence. I have to write in my own style and it is rather self-indulgent I know. I do feel selfish and I know, relative to other people that I am so lucky in life. A well-educated, white middle class person who is pampered. But sometimes you really think you have the potential to do more in life. Both for yourself and for other people.

I am truly sorry for anyone upset by this post. That is if anyone has a spare couple of days to even read it. But I just wanted to defend myself, talk about my struggles, admit my may failings, my huge concerns for our future but most importantly, I wanted to be me and not who other people expect me to be.

Wishing everyone and I do mean all of you the very best in the future. There are some people I am really going to miss.

Martin – The oldest teenager in town!