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EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
Company Policy:
Effective from September 2005
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay rise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a pay rise.Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.HolidayDays
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will
open, and your picture will be taken. After your second offence, your
picture will be posted on the company intranet under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.The Management
A Halloween Story
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only
broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise…….BUMP……..
BUMP……..
BUMP……..
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.BUMP……..
BUMP……..
BUMP……..
He froze to the spot, he couldn’ t believe his eyes, as the box approached
from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly….It was
a coffin.Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.BUMP……..
BUMP……..
BUMP……..
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster………
BUMP……..BUMP……
BUMP……..BUMP..
BUMP……..BUMP……
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard
the coffin speed up after him……BUMP……..BUMP…BUMP…
BUMP……..BUMP…BUMP…
BUMP……..BUMP…BUMP…
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin
…….
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP.BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…..
BUMP…BUMP…BUMP…BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out
his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside
slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
slumped into his comfy chair.Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the
front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the
coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued
its chase…..BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take
him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door……..BUMP…SCREECH…HOP..BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…
BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…
BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…BUMP…SCREECH…HOP…
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched
itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges…..The coffin stood in the doorway, then
started to approach
the young terrified lad.BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP. SCREECH…
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
cabinet……He grabbed a bar of Ivory Soap and threw it at the
coffin…….still it came……..BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
He grabbed his can of Arrid Extra Dry deodorant and threw it …..still
it came……BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP. SCREECH…
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ……still it came……
BUMP…SCREECH…BUMP…SCREECH…
He grabbed some Benedryn cough mixture and threw it……..
The coffin stopped.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond’s ear?
Data transfer.A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. “Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces
What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, “Awww, look at the dead birdie”. The blonde stops, looks up, and says, “Where?
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
“For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to
each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”“Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband” said the
wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the
Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.Then it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well,
this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this Will never come
again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
than me.”The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish… So the fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – the husband
became 92 years old.The moral of the story:
<
<
<
<
<
<
<Men are ungrateful idiots who should remember
… fairies are female.
:- :- :-
:lol:
Thought you might like this one
This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I’ve received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOMPRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYERASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARERDESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS ITTHE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEEGEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORETHE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTSSLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN MEELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNTMOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLERSNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘SA DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACETHE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKEELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONEAND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNSYep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
Little boy having truble sleeping , so babysitter takes him he`s favorite toy soldiers to play with …….
after a while his parents come home & ask how are the kids …..?
Well she says Gloria was out like a light but anthony couldnt sleep a wink..
I took him his fave toy soldiers & havnt heard a peep out of him since….!
Mother says ” awwwwww thats nice I`ll just go & check
Mother walks in to room & catches her son playing with his Privates…….!
Eat Your Heart Out Peter Kay lmao
Pregnant Irish girl phones home
“Mam oi tink me waters ave broke”
“Oh me Holy Jaysus. Where are u ringing from?”
“Oim ringing from me m*inge to me fookin ankles”
:lol: :lol: :lol:
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he is staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offened you.”
She anawers: “MY dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” He responds.
“Well let’s see what we can do about that: #1 you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and say. “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”
The nun says, “Ok, pull into the next alley.” He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child.” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must Confess, I’m married and I’m a Baptist.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin.”
man walking his dog in a park down by river ……
spots a woman in a wheel chair crying . Stops & askes why do you cry ?
woman replies ” well im 52 yrs old & have never been kissed awwww he says & gives her a kiss , she smiles but whilst walking away she starts blubbering again.
ffs he thinks to himself & returns whats up now dear ???
well im 52 yrs old & have never had the pleasure of oral Hmmmm he thinks & kneel`s down in front of her chair & begins to give it to her …
When finished he wipes his mouth & spits out unwanted pubes & begins to walk away …. WHEN she starts blubbering again OMG he thinks & returns .
What can be the matter now he asks ?
well in 52 yrs old & have never been f c u k e d … Hmmm RIGHT he says & places her knee blanket on the grass , then carefully lifts her from the chair & places her on the blanket , then picks up wheel chair & hurls it in the river & shouts well your f c u c k e d now & leaves …..!!!
Men vs. Women
Handwriting:Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the “i” with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the “p” and “g”. It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.
Relationships:
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.” This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men: Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman’s body.
Women: Women’s magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom — a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let’s not talk about how many days he’ll wear the same socks.
Cats:
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
Children:
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing Up:
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of “Love American Style.”
Eating Out:
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys’ heads.
Menopause:
Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction – he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Phone:
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men: Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms:
Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room – sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Conversation:
Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, “Wow, great movie.” or “What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.”
Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: “That garden by the roadside looks lovely.” “Mm hmm.” Pause. “That was a good restaurant last night, wasn’t it?” “Yeah.” Pause. And so on.
Leg Warmers:
Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line.”
Friends:
Women: Women on a girls’ night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy’s night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are “Pass the Doritos” or “got any more beer?”
Restrooms:
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, “Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?”
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