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Santa said “Donner, let’s go”
Dasher and Dancer said “No!
Blitzen is stupid
He’s fallen for Cupid
And won’t let her out in the snow!”
Up in the Arctic one day
The elves had a big holiday
No toys would be made
Unless benefits paid,
And dental and severance pay!
The sleigh had broke down in the wet
And Santa was starting to fret
Then Rudolph said “Man,
I’ve a neat, cunning plan,
Involving a hot jumbo jet!”
Prancer was over the moon
The toy run would be over soon
That Vixen, the sinner,
Ate baked beans for dinner
And the others were starting to swoon.
Santa said “Look, in the snow
A traveling bordello show
Nice little lookers
I counted three hookers
Which leads me to say: Ho Ho Ho!”
Santa called for Rudolph but that reindeer didn’t come,
“I know what he needs – a good size ten boot up the bum!
Look at me: a toy-filled sack, and Christmas eve is here,
He’s been hopeless since he won that twist contest last year!”
All the elves then gathered round, what Santa said was right,
Rudolph was the only deer whose nose gave off a light;
Great for foggy Christmas eves to pilot Santa’s sleigh,
Else the toys would not be in the stockings Christmas day.
Stumblebum the elf cried out “Come on, my boys let’s search,
We can’t leave poor Santa here alone and in the lurch,
Prancer, check the discos, Dancer, prowl the snowy street,
Blitzen, check the place where a reindeer likes to eat.”
Seedy bars and joints along the streets must all be checked,
Could he be in jail because of some bistro he’d wrecked?
On they went, into the night, to find the wayward deer,
As the fog began to lift, the sky became quite clear.
Two a.m. on Christmas eve, the reindeer staggered back,
Dasher left a figure-eight of hoof-prints on the track;
Comet held up Cupid, who was singing songs like mad,
Donner went to Santa, and his news was rather sad.
“Vixen is the worse for drink, he cannot fly tonight,
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer don’t know left hoof from their right;
Comet slurs his words and Cupid cannot even speak,
Santa, we must postpone Christmas for at least a week!”
Father Christmas saw the clear sky, this would be a race!
“All the stockings hung with care are already in place;
Boys and girls will lose their faith if we don’t fly tonight,”
Then he shouted “Reindeer! You must help me win this fight!”
Several pots of coffee had the poor reindeer okay,
Standing in the traces, they would pull the magic sleigh;
Just as all the elves were celebrating Santa’s win,
Nature played another card – a heavy fog rolled in.
“Woe is me,” cried Santa, “We’re not going anywhere,
What of all the stockings little children will find bare?
Milk and cookies still untouched, no presents ‘neath the tree,”
Then a deep voice shouted out “Are you looking for me?”
Rudolph! Shiny nose aglow, and none the worse for grog,
He could lead the reindeer team straight through the pea-soup fog,
Santa hugged him, led him to the front place of the eight,
Rudolph grabbed the lead reins, said “I’m sorry I was late.
“There’s this little twister girl, her name is Mary-Lou,
She’s as pretty as a picture, sweet as honey, too;
We forgot what day it was, whilst having fun ourselves,
Not a thought for Christmas, reindeer, Santa or his elves.
“Then I saw the brightest star, remembered Christmas eve,
Mary-Lou was unimpressed, said there’s no need to leave;
Something told me I should quit the fickle world of men,
Now I’m back where I belong, I’ll never leave again!”
Reindeer laughed and cheered the news and elves began to cry,
Then the sleigh leapt in the air and sped off through the sky;
Heading out to spread some joy with Rudolph’s nose alight,
Have a lovely Christmas, and I hope your star shines bright.
Santa called out “Ho Ho Ho” the sleigh refused to go,
Standing there, on Christmas eve, surrounded by the snow;
Rudolph looked him in the eye, said: “Get yourself a bike!
As of now, we reindeers go nowhere, we’re all on strike!”
Santa sat back on his seat, and stroked his flowing beard,
This was just the kind of thing that Mrs. Claus had feared;
Left-wing elves had infiltrated Toyland’s working force,
Spreading fear and factions (and collecting dues, of course).
Dancer cried: “We want nice coats that reach down to our knees,
All the toys that we deliver – we want royalties!”
“Yes!” cried Prancer, “And we want a no-cost dental plan”
Dasher said: “He won’t agree, let’s post a total ban!”
“Wait a minute” Santa cried “Can’t we negotiate?
Christmas eve is passing by, it soon will be too late!”
“Better give us what we want!” said Blitzen, looking sour,
“Extra pay for holidays, and tea breaks every hour!”
“Safety workwear, too” said Vixen, “For the snowy roofs,
Woolen covers for our noses, fur boots for our hoofs;”
“Right” said Cupid, “And we want a brand-new lightweight sleigh,
Every year my back just kills me right through Christmas day!”
Comet looked at Dasher, gave a wink, said: “We demand
Any night shift – double time – oh yeah, and cash in hand!
Course we aren’t so selfish, we’re not thinking of ourselves,
All these benefits we want are also for the elves.”
Santa jumped down from the sleigh and cut the reindeer loose,
He could lecture, beg and plead, but really saw no use;
“Come on Santa” Rudolph argued, “We can sign a pact,”
Santa looked around them all and said two words: “You’re sacked!”
pmsl Mary xxxx
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