IN THE NEWS!

@susieq wrote:

I prefer the REAL news of the Daily Mash myself :lol:

UK TO CUT IMMIGRANT NUMBERS BY TEACHING THEM TO READ THE DAILY MAIL

THE government is to cut the number of immigrants applying for UK citizenship by teaching them how to read the Daily Mail, it has been confirmed.
Jan Moir in actionMinisters believe that using the newspaper as the main teaching resource in English language classes should persuade more than 90% of applicants to go straight back home.

BON JOVI GIGS TO TRIGGER FRESH WAVE OF PATHETIC PUB BANDS

HUNDREDS of desperate pub bands could be created in the wave of impending Bon Jovi gigs, experts have warned.
Jon Bon Jovi is 63The Institute for Studies claimed that as many as 26% of Bon Jovi fans attending the concerts will be inspired to start covers bands with names like Route 66, Dead or Alive and *I AM A SPAMMER*.

and my favourite :

OUT OF DATE iPHONE USERS FORCED TO SIT AT BACK OF BUS

PEOPLE who own the out of date iPhone will be forced to sit at the back of the bus, it emerged last night.
That’s more like itNew rules will mean that users of the iPhone 3G or 3GS must occupy the last four rows and if the bus is full and a new iPhone user gets on, the old iPhone user nearest to the door must give up their seat.
The regulations will also apply to municipal swimming pools, where old iPhone users will be allowed in for 20 minutes once a month, and their use of libraries and public lavatories will also be severely restricted

REAL NEWS? You’re saying that my input was not useful? I’m just warning you, that MC-HAMMER could be a potential threat to us. Re-releasing his songs.. ‘It’s Hammer-Time’ – And yes, it will be if he attempts a comeback! :lol:

THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO CUT IMMIGRANTS.. How do they go about it? That’s Right, by getting them to read a Newspaper. That’s like being lost in a city, asking someone for directions, and they offer you a polo.. I’ve not read the Daily-Mail, but from what I’ve heard they make things up, and the paper is mocked! IF THEY WANT IMMIGANTS TO GO BACK HOME, TELL THEM! STOP ENTRY! OR if all else fails, direct them to Middlesborough, and tell them, that’s where they must now stay! They’ll soon go back home!

WHAT’S THIS ABOUT THE I-PHONE? I’ve no chance with my little cheap mate then have I? And I’m not on about my pe nis.. Being told where to sit on a bus in regards to what phone you have? Talk about out-casting.. FFS, it’ll be like being back at school.. ‘You wear Gola, you can’t sit by us’.. AND SWIMMING POOLS, no offence, but I’ve never had the need to use my phone in the pool. I’m not sure If i’m the only one here.. It’s just the fact that when I’m doing the Butterfly stroke, I don’t feel the need to get out my phone, and ring DAVE to tell him all about it. Not that I have a mate called DAVE, i just used him as an example for this. Bet there’s a DAVE reading this now, thinking, FFS, all my life, I’ve wanted someone to ring me as they do the butterfly stroke.

AS FOR BON-JOVI..

I don’t like him, i don’t give a flying F U C K about him, and I’m certainly not wasting my bl oody time in talking about him! Unless I get free tickets to sell on E-Bay, then I may re-consider!

DRINK DRIVER HID UNDER THE BED AFTER ACCIDENT!

OMG – They have beds in cars?! :shock:

FUNDRAISER FULL OF FUN

Well – I’m hoping it was FUN, there’s no point in having days like this, where everyone’s miserable, and can’t be as sed. That would kind of defeat the object!

COUNCIL ANGERED BY POLICE NON – SHOW..

As if they expected anything else.. I reported my phone going missing ten years ago, and the paperwork has only now been processed. I can’t wait until 2020 to get it back!

CELEBRATIONS AT LIBRARIES..

Great – We’re having a party.. ‘Where?’ I hear you ask.. ‘At The Library’ bring a book!

TEENAGERS ASSAULT RAP..

What did he do? Beat someone up in Rap-Format? Apparantly he was possessing an offensive weapon. I’ve been doing that for years! :wink:

SON TOOK DAD’S CAR TO BUY PASTY FROM BAKERY..

I’ve heard it all now.. Illegally taking his dads car.. Why? Not for a joy-ride or to meet a girl.. He felt like a pasty, and that’s that!

He must undertake 100 hours of unpaid work! I bet now, all of a sudden that pasty isn’t all it cracked up to be! Oh, and like the previous one, he too had an offensive weapon. Do you think they were together on this?

‘LET’S TAKE YOUR DAD’S CAR’.. ‘TELL YOU WHAT, YOU GO BEAT SOMONE UP, WHILST RAPPING, AND I’LL GO GET A PASTY.’..

BURGLARY IS DENIED!

What’s all this then? At first I thought it was to do with Elton John.. How do you deny a burglary? Someone knocks on your door.. ‘I want to burgle your house’.. ‘Nah, not today mate, come back tommorow.’..

PUB NIGHT AIMING TO RAISE CASH..

Don’t know about you, but in business, that’s the aim of it.. To raise cash.

COPS WARN OF BEACH BREAK-INS..

Oh No, someone’s broken into my beach – They’ve pinched some sand – Some shells – some water, and erm,.. More sand!

(skips those pages, all adverts)

(TV Guide)

Nope – That’s it for now! 8)

Villagers meet to oppose growth

Interesting – Good for you – IF you don’t want to ‘grow’ then you don’t have too..

Jobs at risk after B&Q shake-up

People work at B&Q?.. Well, i’m sorry but everytime I go to those places, they look like massive derelict sheds!

Taxi driver’s ‘no guide dog’ fine

Oh Lovely, i’m going to get fined for not having a Guide-Dog.. But i’m not blind.. Unlike most of the fekking Taxi-Drivers.. Ps – That thing that can go up and down is an ‘Indicator’.. try using it. And STOP putting the meter on tariff two, when you know full well it should be on tariff one. And don’t tut – Moan, sing to the radio, or even attempt to talk to me.. I get in – tell you my destination -you take me there (at a reasonable price) and that’s all there is to it.

National park rejects homes plan

I’m not surprised – Now which Dim-Wit has proposed to place a house slap – bang in the middle of the park? And don’t say Michael Jackson! Oh, i’ve just heard he’s dead.. Oh My – That’s shocking.. Don’t suppose these tickets are any good now then..

Men accused of poaching offences

Jeez – I’ll stick to fry or scrambled then!