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If you were dying or seriously ill and didn’t know what the outcome of your diagnosis would be….would you keep it from your loved ones?
Obviously if your disease didn’t take a fast hold over your body and you didn’t look ill on the outside it would be possible, otherwise there comes a point when you don’t need to tell anyone, it would be apparant.Interesting question.
My uncle died about 18 months ago after an apparently long fight against prostate cancer. Until he died, the only people who knew were him, his wife, and the doctors and nurses who treated him. Even his 30 year old son, their only child, didn’t know until 48 hours before he died, when he got the call to say he should come home and see his father. He chose to keep it completely private, he may have thought he was saving his son the distress of his illness, but it took my cousin a long time to come to terms with the fact that his parents didn’t tell him and include him. I don’t think I could do that to the ones I love.
I am an open book, those that know me know instantly there is anything not quite right in my world, so even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could hide it.
Dare I ask what prompted the question?
@kent f OBE wrote:
If you were dying or seriously ill and didn’t know what the outcome of your diagnosis would be….would you keep it from your loved ones?
Obviously if your disease didn’t take a fast hold over your body and you didn’t look ill on the outside it would be possible, otherwise there comes a point when you don’t need to tell anyone, it would be apparant.OMG! So morbid Kenty but interesting and thought provoking.
Diagnosis to death is a journey – one my late sister took. It involves not knowing the prognosis and then knowing. Treatment in the hope of a cure just becomes pain management.
Strangely, it seems people prepare themselves – my sister did – making a will etc.
I think you would need to include your family. After all, you’d need support on that journey. If you kept it to yourself, how would you cope with everyday things?
But also, I think your close loved ones need to go on the journey in order to fully comprehend it all and to finally come to terms with it – closure I suppose when the funeral takes place. Relief also I suppose when their loved ones suffering and pain finally comes to an end.
Jen Jen mentions her cousin was not told by his father about his illness and the son took a while to come to terms with it after his father’s death That’s understandable – he probably felt excluded, useless even as he wasn’t able to help and probably had lots of questions.
Now that son has had to go on a journey all on his own – his mother probably came to terms with it and found closure a lot sooner simply because she knew what was going to happen.
I’m not saying not telling the son was selfish – they had what they thought were his best interests at heart but it may have made his mourning process a lot more difficult and perhaps even cause resentment?
Your thoughts on my cousin are spot on Panda; exclusion, helplessness, resentment, also a lot of anger, far more than normally experienced in grief, and feeling cheated. He lived some distance away from his parents, he had talked about moving back closer to home and his parents talked him out of it. Presumably if he had been closer and seeing them more often, he might have realised there was something wrong. As it was, he felt cheated out of spending more time with his father before he died, and a feeling of being treated as a child.
Who knows why they excluded everybody, but when you face such a journey you need help, support, love…it’s a difficult enough journey with the support of loved ones, I can’t imagine doing it alone out of choice, yet that was what they chose.
My experiences of friends on a similar journey has been very different. With the exception of my friend who is currently on that journey, they have been open with others about what is happening, they have taken it as an opportunity to educate others to try to avoid a similar journey. They’ve also mended broken relationships and brought those they care about closer together. They have faced the journey surrounded by love, care and compassion, and the end has come with a grace and dignity and in some cases has been almost a joyful experience. That’s the way I would chose to go, sharing love and joy.
@kent f OBE wrote:
If you were dying or seriously ill and didn’t know what the outcome of your diagnosis would be….would you keep it from your loved ones?
Obviously if your disease didn’t take a fast hold over your body and you didn’t look ill on the outside it would be possible, otherwise there comes a point when you don’t need to tell anyone, it would be apparant.My aunt had leukaemia and took three years to die. She told everyone as soon as she knew what the outcome would be, but she didn’t dwell on it. She tried to fit in all the things that she really wanted to do before she got too weak. She went on a trip to the Holy Land, something she had always wanted to do, to walk the path Jesus walked before he was crucified, etc. She set her affairs in order, said all the things she wanted to say, and she was religious, with an unshakable faith, and I think that helped towards the end.
She was a very brave woman. In the same situation, I am not sure how I would behave. I hope I would die with dignity.
@kent f OBE wrote:
If you were dying or seriously ill and didn’t know what the outcome of your diagnosis would be….would you keep it from your loved ones?
Obviously if your disease didn’t take a fast hold over your body and you didn’t look ill on the outside it would be possible, otherwise there comes a point when you don’t need to tell anyone, it would be apparant.Hello Kent – I suppose it’s one of those things you could think about, but not really know unless the situation actually occurs. Being told you were dying changes everything, and i suppose telling everyone will change the situation even more. I can’t say what i’d do to be honest.
7 years ago I was told I had Cancer, I couldn’t tell my family as my brother was having this big 50th Birthday party and no way was I going to spoil it, he is such a lovely bloke no way would I have put a damper on it.
For two weeks I woke up every morning feeling absolutely fine, then once I was fully awake it was like a hammer had thumped me in the chest as I realised I could infact die in the near future. Once the party was over and the results were through I told my family first then my friends. I made it clear whatever the outcome there was going to be a party and no bugga was going to be miserable around me!
I’m a great believer in humour as a healer and I know it got me through it with such ease, I chose to see humour in the whole process of the treatment and tests. I was lucky and very grateful I survived and I had that party! Might sound ridiculous but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. You hear that old chestnut “This isnt a rehearsal” but it takes something like that to make you truely believe it!
Being told you have cancer must be one of the most horrendous things ever to be told. I have a close friend who was told she had cancer, and the prognosis was bad. They were wrong luckily, and she is fine today. But… she never wastes a moment. People who have had this kind of shock and survive seem to live every moment to the full. It puts being brave into a completely different category. I have total respect for people who go through this kind of situation. Rose, you are one brave lady.
On a slightly different note… i know that Rose is genuine, but there are people who use or used JC who lied about having cancer. I cannot understand why someone would do this, but they must have no comprehension of the type of terrible illness it is to joke about it. And even if they said they had cancer for attention seeking reasons, or to cover up a terrible embarrassment, or just because things had become to complicated and it was a way out of a difficult situation… there is no excuse. And I hope to god that they don’t at some point really get cancer.
If I was dying, I’d spend all my money on booze, whores and narcotics. I might do it anyway. After all, you never know if you’ll be hit by a bus in the morning.
i dont think hiding it would be the answer , i know if it was me my love ones would suss it out by things i said n did
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