I wish I was the new James Bond

Like most people, I was terribly disappointed to see that someone else has been selected as the new James Bond. I’ve always wanted to be James Bond because he very often gets completely covered in nude Russian beauties. I’ve always thought it would be nice to be covered in nude beauties of any nationality, but particularly Russians because they have piercing blue eyes and glacial skin. Apart from that they are very poor and I would imagine they would be very pleased with my limited facilities.

Of course, you don’t have to be James Bond to get yourself a nude Russian beauty. My friend Norman went to Russia to marry a nude Russian ballet dancer he met on the internet at the library. He had to sell his caravan to pay for the air tickets. Turns out he had bought zsa-zsa, a giant panda. He returned empty handed. Not because zsa-zsa wouldn’t marry him, but because he had sold his caravan and had nowhere to keep her. Well you wouldn’t want a filthy great 8 foot panda rummaging around your living room, would you? It would smash all Aunt Mavis’ ornaments for heaven’s sake!

I’ve always thought it would be a good idea to RESCUE a ballet dancer from the Bolshoi ballet if it ever came to Grimsby. It’s an absolutely dreadful life being a ballet dancer. They have to dance every day of the year including bank holidays and their legs become all sore and twisted I would imagine. That’s why they all go off to work as bearded ladies in the circus after a few years. It’s particularly awful being a ballet dancer from Russia because all the front rows of the theatres are filled by KGB men who point their guns at you to make you dance faster and are always allowed to look up the lady ballet dancers’ little skirts.

Anyway, I have a plan to hide in the orchestra pit and catch one of the nearly-nude lady ballet dancers when she is ‘misthrown’ by a male learner ballet dancer. I would take her away and hide her in a SECRET place until all the other ballet dancers went back to Russia. I would give her proper food and let her watch television and, when her legs had recovered, I would let her walk about a bit. I would maybe take her on a day trip, somewhere like Alton Towers. I think she would like that and, if she was ever too small for any of the rides, she could always stand on her tip toes until the inspectors went by.

I do wish they had advertised that James Bond job more widely though – they never even put an advert up in our newsagents. On the whole, I’d rather be a spy than a kidnapper. Does anyone else feel they missed out on the James Bond role?