”hygiene dept to aisle 14 plz”

Jokecliffe put down his quill and sighed…. Life was good at the moment, since he had emerged as a talented author everybody loved him, He had even been signed up to do a ‘problem page’ for Womans Weekly, under the pseudonym… ‘ Aunt Agnus ‘, and he wore his best twin set and pearls whilst writing it, helped him get into character.

He scanned his fanmail….
” oh this looks interesting” he said to his old man servant Up_The_Axante, who had actually
died from legionnaires disease 2 months earlier, after drinking 3 yr old coffee from an old flask he’d found, and was now fossilizing nicely next to ‘ mummycliffe’ in the rocking chair…

” Its from a Sarahpainxxx from JustCrap-land…. ‘ Dear Aunt Agnus, please help me, I can’t make my mind up whether I am a racist or not, I think I am, but it doesnt seem to be popular in the Lobby for some reason … I called Wordsworth50odd an ignorant ****** last month, because he made me look silly when i was trying to have a row with someone else, because thats what i do, but now ive heard that he is an excellent lover and not too choosey, therefore i may have a chance.
The trouble is I’m scared of shouting out some abusive comment when he brings me to my pinicle of mysterious delight, its what i need you see, a good ‘sorting’ , Please help me Aunt Agnus….”
”Pahh….” Spat Jokecliffe…. ” That pontificating old git wordsworth excellent in bed …. as if ….
Jokecliffe went off into a daydream ….. a bright white smile, a full head of nappy hair, smooth oiled glistening skin like polished ebony, round pert shiney buttocks…..luscious chocolate brazil nuts, mmmm……. sigh…
” God what I’d give for a large black pudding right now …”

Just then there was a knock on the door to the bedsit. Jokecliff quickly batted down the tiny eruption in his ‘plus fours’ and hobbled to the door.

There stood an elderly lady wearing dark glasses and carrying a white stick.

” Ahhh Panda_to_me… lovely to see you my dear.. come in,come in, I’ll stick the camping kettle on the Bunson Burner”

Jokecliffe swept the rat droppings off the crate serving as a table and left Panda to tap her way into the hovel.

” errr… your looking lovely as ever my dear..” said Joke as he eyed up her outfit. The poor old dear looked like she had got dressed in the dark, which, in effect she had. Somebody had obviously played a cruel joke on her for she had outlined her thin lips in budgie blue eyeliner.

” thankyou Darling and I’m sure your still as handsome as you described. Are you still standing in as David Hasslehoffs stunt double ?”

” *cough* err yes… occaisionally, though I have been very busy lately… sticking things in many pies … luckily the security guard at Asda let me off with a warning…. Anyway, have you any news ?”

” yes yes i have ” said Panda mistaking a jar of fag butts in water for her cup of tea, and sipping.. ” mmmm lovely , Earl Grey ?”

” no Lambert & Butler, so what have you heard ? Have you had any luck pm’ing J_in_France under sexy names and catching him with a tilting laptop ? ”

” unfortunately not, he seems intent on normal intelligent chat…its all very odd. However I’ve heard that Very_Impotent_Peanut is meeting someone in Waitrose this afternoon at 3pm ”

” excellent !! to the caravanette my dear, if we leave now we can arrive 1st and take photo’s”

The caravanette trundled into the Local Waitrose carpark… ” Keep a look out for Vippy’s car Panda, it’s proberly an old banger…”

” Are you being funny ? ”

” Oooops sorry old girl, Oh there it is !! ”

They pulled up beside an aged but well maintained Volvo with a V.I.P number plate.

” right, lets search it ”

Joke bundled Panda into the car and they rooted around.

” Whats this ? is it a dead guinea pig ?”

Joke looked up, ” No thats an old toupe ”

Panda felt around in the footwell….. ” Just an old plastic bottle in here….”

” is it a Tizer bottle ?” said Joke hopefully

” how would I know ?? ”

” give it here, Damn its Lucozade, ah well nevermind , i’ll have it, Im gasping ”

Finding nothing of interest they got out the car and made their way into the store.

Many of the Jc chatters were doing their weekly shop.

Mariapizzaria and Clare_Don’t_dare_me were in the booze aisle, with trollies full of wine. They were arguing over the last bottle

of Le Piet D’or…

” I’ll swap you 3 bottles of Black Tower for it ..” offered Maria

” Noooo !! ” cried Clare, I’ll raise you 2 Black towers and a Blue Nun ”

” 3 Black Towers, a Blue Nun and Lambrini !!”

” Deal !! ” shouted Clare.

And with that they set off unsteadily to the nibbles aisle, Clare managed to take out 2 pensioners and a tower of baked beans on the way.

Ugly_asa_moose was tied up to the bicycle post outside and was scaring local children while Nice_pies_Female filled their trolly with pate, french bread, king prawns, trifle and a tin of chappie for the Moose.

Jokecliff was trying to look inconspicuous in the Feminine Hygiene Aisle, whilst keeping a crossed eye on Vippy. He got some strange looks off shoppers as he appeared to be examining the ingredients in a packet of Tampax, quickly shoving 6 boxes in his basket, he looked around for Panda who had wandered off and he spotted her shouting at a soft drinks fridge…

” get out of my way you ignorant swine !! can’t you see i’m impaired !! ”

TinkleTits and Neil_Gizafeel could hear muffled cries coming from a chest freezer. There was poor, bullied Thick_Slice, trussed up like a frozen chicken.

They helped him out and dried his tears..

” That bloody Welch_THe_Grape… I didnt even see her coming, I was just reaching down to get a decent Jumbo sausage, for aesthetic reasons only, when bam, she rammed me from behind, flicked my nose quite hard and stuck me in there…” he sniffed, ” shes such a bully, always making threats… its not fair…”
A voice yelled ‘Sh!t Head’ from somewhere near the deli counter….

Penny_4_a_guy was flitting around and smiling brightly into all the security camera’s, she was sure her secret admirer was watching her,she could feel eyes on her, she felt a stirring and was glad she’d popped the geisha balls in.

Vippy was stocking up on Bonio’s when he bumped into RosePedalBin.

” Hi Vippy xxx Ive just caught Alkiarse stuffing cabbages and chinese noodles up his wooley jumper and claiming he was pregnant…silly old fool, I tvvatted him with my scholl and took his coupons off him for good measure”

Jokecliffe was examining a packet of worm tablets,( he’d slip one in Panda’s tea later, wooof wooof) and carried on eavesdropping on Rose and Vippy.

” Hiya Rose xxxx” said Vippy, ” yes I’m having ‘ one of those days’ too I’m afraid, Utd Lost again, we really are Tubbish this year, and the traffic here was dreadful and i was dying to take a piddle, lol … luckily i had an empty bottle of Lucozade on the back seat, so crisis averted…lol”

Panda was called to the Customer Service Desk via the tannoy, where a shakey looking Jokecliffe, vomit stains down his twinset, grabbed her arm and stomped off to the caravanette.

Foiled again !!!

Hi Mrs Teapot xx :wink: