Help Lines

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Emergency Hotline:

If you are OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are CO DEPENDENT please get someone to press 2 for you.
If you have MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES please press 12345 + 6.
If you are PARANOID we know who you are, and where you live, and we’ll be watching you…
If you are DELUSIONAL please wait and we’ll transfer you to the mothership.
If you are SCHIZOPHRENIC wait for the little voice inside your head to tell you the number you want.
If you are DEPRESSIVE – no one cares anyway.
If your DYSLEXIC press wpmauht1.
If you suffer from a NERVOUS DISPOSIOUS fidle with all the keys until you hear the bleep.
If you have a SHORT TERM memory loss – you’ve been here before…
If you suffer LOW SELF ESTEEM were all too busy and no one cares and…
If you have ABANDONEMENT issues please note we’ve all gone home and you should wait with the low self esteem people.

Thank you for calling… **BEEP**!!!!!!