Hell

I was wondering, is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat) ? Most of you I guess would answer giving some variant of Boyle’s Law, you know the one about gas cooling when it expands and heating when it compresses. But it got me a-pondering…

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time, the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it stays there. So no souls are leaving.

As for how many are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these state that if you’re not in their club (and if they’d have me then I wouldn’t want to be a member) then you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and as people do not seem to belong to more than one, we can project that all souls will go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of has to expand proportionately as more souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Mandy during my teenage years that….. “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”….. and take into account the fact that after buying a few babyshams with lemonade top I slept with her that very night….. then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct, and leaves only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which may explain why, that very night, Mandy kept shouting Oh my God. No, I don’t think my memory could be faulty there.

Like many white people, I prefer black jellybeans instead of my own colour. They may look like misfits in Easter baskets but you can keep your pinks, greens, whites, and your reds, oranges and purples too. I certainly have no interest in yellow. But you have to call the black ones “Jellybeans of Afro-origin now”. I also used to open my sisters chocolate bunnies before she woke up, eat off the ears, and re-wrap them. That was great fun.

I guess with the new Hell situation I can finally stop feeling guilty about everything.