GOVAN HURRICANE APPEAL

GOVAN HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Senga) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the its epicentre in Govan. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Pure mental, man-no?”.

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Clyde FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Govan. One resident – Kiely McGlumpher, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said “It gied me a pure fright so’s it did, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom greetin’. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so’s ah wiz.”

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and Bone China from Poundstretchers.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:

– Fila or Burberry baseball caps

– Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

– Shell suits (female)

– White sport socks

– Rockport boots or Adidas trainers

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

– Microwave meals

– Pies from Greggs

– Tins of baked beans

– Ice cream

– Cans of Special Brew or bottle of Buckie.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

£2 buys chips, crisps and Irn Bru for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcho-pop… ‘where are you bleeding from?’ they asked, “Ibrox” said the girl, “wits that tae you?”