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This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. Whit wis that fur?” he cries.
“That wis fur the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it,” said she.
Don’t be daft,” he explains, “two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o’ the horses I bet on.”
She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around,he says, “whit the hell wis that fur?”
“Your horse phoned!” she said.
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A wee Glesga man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m freezing and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea .let’s kid-on wir married.
“Why not,” giggles the woman.
Good”, he replies. “Get your own blanket
…………………………………..
A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play.
Wonderful. Whit part is it?’ she asks
The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Scottish husband.
The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back an’ tell that teacher you want a speaking part!
………………….
One day the Primary 1 teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, “…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”
One little boy raised his hand and said, “I think he said F****** hell! A talking pig!'”
……………………………………………
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight. You don’t have any milk !”
I know,” she said, “ah’m his Granny, but I’m glad I came!”
:lol: :lol: :lol:
LOOKS better that way lol neighhhhhboootherr lol
@~*Lucky*~ wrote:
This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. Whit wis that fur?” he cries.
“That wis fur the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-J written oan it,” said she.
Don’t be daft,” he explains, “two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-J wis the name of one o’ the horses I bet on.”
She seems satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he’s again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around,he says, “whit the hell wis that fur?”
“Your horse phoned!” she said.
========================
lmfao at baby one lol
A man walks into a Glasgow bar and is surprised to see a robot serving behind the bar. The man shrugs his shoulders and asks the robot for a pint of lager.
The robot pours him a pint and asks the man “What is your IQ sir”
“152” the man replies.
The robot proceeds to talk to him about quantum physics.
The man is impressed as he finishes his drink and walks out, but then decides to try an experiment. He walks back into the bar again and orders a pint of lager.
The robot pours him a pint and asks the man “What is your IQ sir”
“100” the man replies.
The robot talks to him about Eastenders and then about the weather that day.
The man is very impressed as he finishes his drink and walks out the bar.
He walks back into the bar one last time and orders a pint of lager.
The robot pours him a pint and asks the man “What is your IQ sir”
“25” the man replies
The robot then says ” So are ye gonnae beat Villareal”@~*Lucky*~ wrote:
A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight. You don’t have any milk !”
I know,” she said, “ah’m his Granny, but I’m glad I came!”
:lol: :lol: :lol:
funny as fook that one.
When a tradesman finishes a job at a house in Scotland, it is an old custom to offer him a wee drink. ‘Would you like a wee dram ” the lady-of-the-house asked a joiner. ‘A wouldna’ say No,’ he replied.
The lady produced the bottle. ‘How do you like it, Sandy?’ she asked.
He replied: Half whisky and half water. An’ pit in plenty o’ water.More gentle stuff like this at:
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