GENUNE RUSSIAN JOKES

Russian Jokes

Risk

Russian style:
Telling political jokes to a group of ten people, one of whom is an informer. A story-teller knows who the informer is, but tells his jokes anyway.

Utopia

The Communist ideal is on the horizon.
Horizon, n. An imaginary line where the sky comes together with the earth; it moves off when you try to get closer.

More Utopia

“Rabinowich,” a friend asked, “do you read communist newspapers?”
“Sure I do!” he responded. “How else could I learn what a happy life I lead?”

Of Course

Brezhnev asks Kosigin:
– How many Jews live in our country?
– Approximately 3-4 million.
– And how many would leave if we let them go?
– About 10-15 million…

Just Like My Family

“Masha, where’s the tea? I can’t find it.”
“Right where it should be, dummy – in silverware drawer, inside the empty coffee can labeled ‘Salt’ – where else?”

Work

An American tourist in Russia asks his tour guide to drive him through the streets so he can see how Russians really live. The tour guide is (understandably) nervous, but he has been told to do everything the tourist desires. So they set off.
Soon they see something that the American finds strange – two men are walking in a line. One is digging a hole, and the other is filling it up.

The tourist asks the guide to stop to the car (now the guide is really nervous). He goes up to the two guys and, with the guide’s help (he also works as a translator), he asks what they are doing.

“Well, it’s like this,” the first man tell him. “On my work team, there are three people – Vasya, Misha, and me. We plant trees – I dig the hole, Vasya drops the seed in, and Misha fills the hole up again. Just because Vasya has the flu doesn’t mean Misha and I can stay home from the work, too.”

Keif

Three friends are sitting around a kitchen table talking about what keif is.
“Keif,” says the first, “is having plenty to eat, good food and lots of it!”

“No,” disagrees the second, “keif is having lots of beautiful girls in love with you.”

“No,” says the third. “Keif is when you hear a knock on your door in the middle of the night and get up only to see a police officer. He asks you, ‘Is this apartment 25?’ and you have the pleasure answering, ‘No, it is apartment 23!'”

Car Accident

A man is driving a car in Russia when the car in front of him suddenly stops for a red light. The poor man, not thinking quickly enough, ran right into the car in front. It was a new Mercedes, and the poor man thought, “Oh no, now the New Russian is going to come out and sue me.” To his surprise, the New Russian gets out of his car and says very pleasantly, “Now how would you have stopped if I hadn’t been there?”

New Car

A New Russian comes in to buy a car. He tells the salesman he wants a gray Mercedes. The salesman finds for him exactly the car he wants, and the man pas for it right out of his pocket. As he is about to leave, the salesman asks him, “Didn’t you buy a car just like this from us last week?”
“Oh, yes, I did,” replies the New Russian, “but the ashtray got full.”

New Watch

A New Russian walking through the streets of Moscow meets another New Russian. The first one tells the second, “Hey, nice watch. How much did it cost?”
“Two thousand dollars,” proudly answers the second.

“Wow, really? It must not be much good. I just bought mine for three thousand.”

Tee Too

A clerk at a hotel receives a call from one of the guests. The guest says, “Too tee too too too too.”
The clerk, somewhat baffled, asks, “Excuse me, sir?”

“Too tee too too too too.” At this point, the clerk sees his boss. He says, “Boss, come and help me. This guy just called, and I can’t figure out what he wants. He keeps saying, ‘To tee too too too too.'”

The boss laughs and says, “Oh, that must be our Russian guest. He would like two cups of tea to be delivered to room 222.”

8) :D