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Fumar
I forgot to dream again last night, so wake without illusion.
I sorely miss the search for truth, when left with cold conclusion.
I pan my eyes, but to my suprise, there’s nothing that I like,
Disheartened and desultory, I quickly tire of this strike.Fate has no beauty for me today, and so outside I go,
For if fate hasn’t use for me, this house hates me even more.
I sit on the stoop, gazing blindly up, but He isn’t there
And so I have a smoke on this forsaken stair.I give life through light to my cigarette,
And marvel as haze becomes murky minuet.
The glow is slow but moves swiftly toward, ever-waiting death.
Shuddering, I see my own, closing breath by breath.Breath I catch as I watch, forming in the smoke,
Signs to achieve true content, arising from the toke.
I’m keen to see what I could glean, but ‘fore meaning could be wrought,
It blows on by, to that bilking blue, like effervescent thought.
Jan 1, 2006Please critique, or just give your opinion, good or bad, I’m thick-skinned. PLEASE!
I think it’s very good. There’s some good, strong imagery there. On the constructive criticism side, I’d pay more attention to tempo and form. I noticed you lost your initial rhyming couplet in the second verse (go and more). I’d say in this poem you either need to sustain it throughout or forget about it entirely and concentrate on language. Also, I’d be wary of mixing language. There seems to me to be an incongruence in the language that doesn’t sit too well between the street, for example toke, and the classical, say minuet. I’d say pick one and stick to it.
Hope this helps. :D
thank you! Any critique is appreciated, but esp. when it could help me write better.
@pikey wrote:
I think it’s very good. There’s some good, strong imagery there. On the constructive criticism side, I’d pay more attention to tempo and form. I noticed you lost your initial rhyming couplet in the second verse (go and more). I’d say in this poem you either need to sustain it throughout or forget about it entirely and concentrate on language. Also, I’d be wary of mixing language. There seems to me to be an incongruence in the language that doesn’t sit too well between the street, for example toke, and the classical, say minuet. I’d say pick one and stick to it.
Hope this helps. :D
=D> =D>
I am not worthy Pikey :lol:
I read the other posts before I read the poem! :oops:
I read the poem…..
The first two lines had me itching to Google and find out where you
plagiarised this litle gem from. 8)
The fourth line SUX!! :lol:
Read more Blake and keep on writing! 8)
http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/368.htmlThank you very much for both the compliment and the criticism, I appreciated both in equal degrees. I hadn’t read Blake until I followed your link, but he is magnificent! Thank you for the heads up. Perhaps I’ll post a revised addition if I can get some more input.
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