Favourite Poems and Prose.

You should have sent him to a cattery :)

A Boozer’s Tale

I never drink beer on a Monday,
Cos Monday’s the day fer mi health
An’ the wife’s got me countin’ them units,
I’ve just got to take care o’ miself
So I merely have wine wi’ mi supper,
An’ just the one litre OK?
Then a rather large rum in mi coffee
An’ I calls that mi sensible day

I never drink wine on a Tuesday,
Cos Tuesday’s mi weightwatchin’ club
It’s the day when I eat nowt but cabbage,
The day I don’t go much fer grub
Now a diet demands plenty fluid,
Summat light an’ completely fat-free
So I’ve chosen that strong German lager
An’ I just have five pints wi’ mi tea

I never drink lager on Wednesday,
Cos Wednesday’s the day fer mi jog
It’s tracksuit an’ trainers at mid-day
Then I’m off up the road wi’ the dog
First stop’s at the Globe fer some Guinness,
Three swift ones’ll get me to grips
Then I carry on round to The Shepherds
Fer three more an’ a burger an’ chips
I make sure that I’m suitably rested,
Then I sprint back to our garden wall
In a time of under twelve minutes,
An’ it’s four ‘undred metres an’ all

I never drink Guinness on Thursday,
Cos Thursday’s mi day to relax
I likes to sit out in t’ back garden
In mi brown zip-up cardie an slacks
After lunch I might stroll by the river,
Breeze in at the Fisherman’s Drop
Where I lounge on the terrace all lordly,
Sippin’ shandy, but beawt any pop
Then cos I’ve been good through the day like,
She’ll allow me to waver a smidge
So mi evenin’s spent watchin’ the footy
Wi’ a few packs o’ Boddies from t’ fridge

I never drink Boddies on Friday,
Cos Friday’s mi night on the razz
An’ we meet in The Firkin at seven,
Owd Nodger an’ me an’ Fat Baz
Oh The Firkin’s a beer-drinker’s heaven,
Wi’ fifteen real ales from the jug
An’ we start wi’ the ones in the tap-room
An’ we works our way round to the snug
By midnight we’re all talkin’ gubbins
An’ we’re off fer a curry up town
But there’s summat not reyt about curry
Cos I never seem t’ keep the stuff down
We ‘ave a good laugh wi’ the waiters,
An’ Baz moons his bum fer a joke
Then I’m home fer a nightful o’ passion,
Cos I’m known as a passionate bloke

I never do much on a Sat’day,
Cos Sat’day’s mi time fer a think
Cos me an’ the wife are not speakin’ today,
I’m a drunken, fat pig an’ I stink
So I sit near the lavvie pretendin’
That really I’m feelin’ just great
But I’m goin’ right off that Indian food
If it leaves me in this bloody state
It’s later I make the decision,
On my forty-third trip to the bog
There’s only one thing cures an upset like this
An’ they call it the ‘air o’ the dog
I ring Nodge an’ Baz on mi mobile
An’ both of ’ems likewise in pain
So we’re back in The Firkin at quarter-past-six
An’ we do it all over again

I never say Firkin on Sunday,
Cos Sunday’s mi day to repent
I’m ashamed of all o’ that boozin’ I’ve done
An’ all o that money I’ve spent
I begs the wife fer forgiveness
An’ I promise I’ll alter mi ways
An’ she gives me a kiss an’ a cuddle,
Like she did in our newly-wed days
We watch Songs of Praise on the telly,
Then a nice pot o’ tea an’ some cakes
An’ I swear now I’ve climbed up the ladders,
I’ll never slide down any snakes
But it’s borin’ on telly on Sunday,
An’ I can’t say I’m ever impressed
So I ‘ave a walk out round the village
An’ stop off at the Collier’s Rest
Now the beer’s a bit crap in The Collier’s
So I leave an’ pop round to The Swan
Where I flatten a shed-load o’ Tetley’s
An’ I’m bloody well back to square one

So I never drink beer on a Monday,
Cos Monday’s the day fer mi health
An’ the wife’s got me countin’ them units
I’ve just got to take care o’ miself

Copyright; Steve Morris

Go, Soul, the body’s guest,
Upon a thankless errand;
Fear not to touch the best;
The truth shall be thy warrant:
Go, since I needs must die,
And give the world the lie.
Say to the court, it glows
And shines like rotten wood;
Say to the church, it shows
What’s good, and doth no good:
If church and court reply,
Then give them both the lie.

Tell potentates, they live
Acting by others’ action;
Not loved unless they give,
Not strong but by a faction.
If potentates reply,
Give potentates the lie.

Tell men of high condition,
That manage the estate,
Their purpose is ambition,
Their practice only hate:
And if they once reply,
Then give them all the lie.

Tell them that brave it most,
They beg for more by spending,
Who, in their greatest cost,
Seek nothing but commending.
And if they make reply,
Then give them all the lie.

Tell zeal it wants devotion;
Tell love it is but lust;
Tell time it is but motion;
Tell flesh it is but dust:
And wish them not reply,
For thou must give the lie.

Tell age it daily wasteth;
Tell honour how it alters;
Tell beauty how she blasteth;
Tell favour how it falters:
And as they shall reply,
Give every one the lie.

Tell wit how much it wrangles
In tickle points of niceness;
Tell wisdom she entangles
Herself in overwiseness:
And when they do reply,
Straight give them both the lie.

Tell physic of her boldness;
Tell skill it is pretension;
Tell charity of coldness;
Tell law it is contention:
And as they do reply,
So give them still the lie.

Tell fortune of her blindness;
Tell nature of decay;
Tell friendship of unkindness;
Tell justice of delay:
And if they will reply,
Then give them all the lie.

Tell arts they have no soundness,
But vary by esteeming;
Tell schools they want profoundness,
And stand too much on seeming:
If arts and schools reply,
Give arts and schools the lie.

Tell faith it’s fled the city;
Tell how the country erreth;
Tell manhood shakes off pity
And virtue least preferreth:
And if they do reply,
Spare not to give the lie.

So when thou hast, as I
Commanded thee, done blabbing–
Although to give the lie
Deserves no less than stabbing–
Stab at thee he that will,
No stab the soul can kill.

I didn’t leave it off deliberately actually. It was a mistake.

But thanks for letting people know what it was.

…stroppy cow!

Ha! Held up for plagiarism and being pretentious by the Esme! Priceless. That’s like an accusation levelled at you by Bin Laden about being a bit over the top with your religion and politics.

Genius.