Eva and Master’s battle of the sexes

men are like roses

watch out for the pr1cks

Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it…though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator…(applies to engineers mainly).

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t ask.

Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t…and if you are feeling amorous afterwards…then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the year 2011, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest…. like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

Types Of Men You Might Find In The Restroom

Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants.
Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks around for admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes.
Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the center, and flushes the one on the right.
Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself.
Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away.
Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants.
Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full condition.
Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once.
Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his penis is so erect that he must thrust his buttocks backward a bit to be able to pull his member out of his pants.
Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find the hole, and ends up ripping his shorts or jamming the zipper into his shirt tail.
Flashy: Tells loud jokes while pissing; shakes off drops with a great flourish.
Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal. Likes to see how many bubbles he can make froth up. Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating around in the water. Has never really grown up.
Indifferent: If all the urinals are being used, he goes into a toilet stall to piss. If all the toilet stalls are taken also, he pisses into the sink or garbage can.
Little: Stands on a box to piss into the urinal, falls in, drowns.
Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to compare himself with the other guy’s organ.
Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reading the paper with his free hand.
Playful: Spots a friend’s shoes under the divider wall and redirects aim accordingly.
Scientific: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses, and pisses on shoes.
Slob: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all over his shoes and pants when zipping himself back up, and does not bother to wash hands as he leaves with his fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls afterwards as he is sitting down.
Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, and knows that the man next to him will be blamed.
Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, pretends to, and then flushes the urinal as if he has already used it. Sneaks back in once everyone has left the restroom.
Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.
Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately and makes a quick inspection.

Man – A Chemical Analysis

Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore… zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.)
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses :
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo…
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.