Essential hints

1. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by
not buying the f***ing thing in the first place!!

2. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend’s arse, filter first then replacing it in the box.The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

3. Make your girlfriend cry when you’re having sex by phoning her up and telling her!

4. Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

5. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

7. Increase blind people’s electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn’t looking.

8. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

9. Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

11. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

12. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

13. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

14. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

15. Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

16. Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance. =D>

17. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

18. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

19. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of ‘rodeo sex’. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can ‘stay mounted’ for :D .