”Eeeee, Rub me down with that chip fat Luv…”

Merrymoron of Notts poked his snout out of his front door and sniffed the air.

The sky was a bright cloudless blue, the air was still. It was perfect weather for JC’s annual trip to Blackpool.

Merry patted down his neon yellow Bikers waterproofs, checking he had filled all pockets with his snacks for the journey,
Family size pork pie…check, Cold Pork chop …Check, Christmas Cake …. Check, Leg of venison …. Check, Spam and Pickle filled french stick… Check, Tin of marrowfat peas( with opener)….Check, A Haggis…… Check, Half a Roast Chicken….. Check and a dozen Greggs Sausage Rolls….. Check !!

He wheeled his beloved moped out his front door and onto the driveway, flipped the visor of his helmet down, with speed demon emblazoned across the front,

and on his 6th attempt, finally got his leg over the bike. It protested loudly at the weight, springs twanging and metal grinding.

Merry kick-started the moped to life and set off, gaining a top speed of 27 mph, the sound of his engine fading into the distance, sounding like a dying bee in a can…..

In her spotless Nissan Micra, Blonde was beginning to regret offering Minnie-Mouse a lift to Blackpool, she glanced over at Minnie who was spraying copious amounts of ‘Youth Dew’ under her armpits and between her legs. Blonde opened the window and watched Minnie plonk a ‘Kiss me quick’ hat on her head.

” ‘ere Blonde, Ive got me eye on HandyPandy46… I hear he’s got a massive toolbox … i quite fancy being nailed by his hammer…”

Blonde looked unimpressed and checked her expensive new cleavage so it was just showing… just enough….

Are you going on ‘The Big One’ Blonde.. ? ” asked minnie, wiping the froth from a can of guiness from round her mouth with the back of her hand and scorching her eyebrow with her glowing fag end, ”Shyte…” she muttered in her ladylike Welsh tones…
” Big One ?” asked Blonde, ” are you referring to Handypandy46 ?”

” No Blonde, the ride, The Big One…. mind you from what I’ve ‘erd it could be Handy lolol..”

” Good God No !! …. These bosoms cost me a fortune, I’m not having them bounced around like a practice match with the Harlem Globetrotters, the only dipping I’ll be doing will be into a stiff Gordons and tonic, with ice and a slice.”
” Well I’m hoping for a bit a stiff with the Big One too hahaha….”

Wordsworth60 was strolling along the prom with an ice-cream and enjoying the sights.
Slightly plump and very drunk young women were swaying along ‘The Front’, dressed in skimpy
clothes and displaying belly button piercings and tramp stamps on their orange sprayed bodies. Wordsworth60 settled on a sea-front bench and hummed contentedly to himself ….

” heaven …. I’m in heaven ….. ”

MuckyMidsMan42 had arrived early at the funfair, while waiting for the others to arrive he had positioned himself at the finish of the HelterSkelter hoping to catch a glimpse of the odd gusset as hapless ladies came careering down, out of control, his i-Phone was set to camera.

Down on the beach, Nice_Pies_Fem had rammed a straw hat on UglyasaMooses’ antlers and was charging children and small adults for a ride, payment to be made in sweets and cider.

” come on moosey… hic … just a few more and i promise we can go on the ghost train.”
Nice_Pies hoisted a tubby, freckle faced boy on to Mooses’ back, he promptly gave her a swift kick in the udders, hoping for some speed.
Poor Old UglyAsAMoose bellowed and took off down the beach like Black Beauty on a bad hair day, with Nice_pies chasing after her in her tangerine sun dress and matching wellies waving her arms and yelling ”Desisttttttttttt………..Stopppp…..Halttttttttttt…….”.
Several Japanese tourists started taking photo’s, thinking they were witnessing a scene from ‘War Horse meets Apocolypse Now.’

Meanwhile on the A583 Merry slammed on his brakes and stared at the road ahead. Was that ….?? was that a puddle ? Sweat broke out on his forehead and top lip, he felt his bowels rumbling, terror struck him !!
Damp roads were a Death Trap on a Mean Machine !!!!!
He inched his way forward towards the puddle… ”breathe”, he told himself, ”its just a puddle”,
closer… , closer to the shiney bit he ventured …..

oh !!! a sweet wrapper !!…. glinting in the 80 degree sunshine … ”Phew….”

He took the time to shove a Victoria sponge cake in his mouth and tore off again down the road, ignoring the jogger who overtook him on the pavement.

Wild_the_tart and Thick_Slice were on the Ferris Wheel. ” So Wild, who else’s phone numbers and addresses do you have ? I’ll pass them on to Jokecliff and he can harrass them, makes him look worse and me look better”
Wild giggled and produced an address book as thick as a Yellow Pages…. She ran her finger down the list… 202…203… Thick Slice glanced over Wilds shoulder at her address book… ” Bloody Hell Wild, 206 and your still in the ‘A’s…!!! the only one you’ve not got is Axante !!”

” Oh I have him, he’s under B for BoredMeToDeath… not literall though …………. unfortunately”

Jade_The_Blade and Welche_The_Grape were in the control room of the Ferris Wheel cackling like a pair of hyena’s.

” almost at the top jadey …. ready… ready…. now hit it !!!”

Jadey hit the emergency stop button and Thick_Slice and Wild_the_Tart came rocking to stop at the height of the Ferris Wheel.

” Right, bet that makes his Big Dipper Droop… lets find a pub !! ”

”pmfsl, lololol, lmfao, lolol…..”

Very_Impotant_Peanut parked up his classic car and checked himself out in the rearview mirror, he licked his eyebrows and gave his head a quick shine with his shirt cuff, then sang, ” everybody look to the left…everybody look to the right….” yes, his neck was there and working just fine.
He jumped out his car and strolled off to the funfair.
V.I.P could hear squeals and laughter coming from the Waltzers, there he saw Twinkletits, Troublewithstubble, coconutshy_f and Thighs_on_Fire, whizzing round and screaming and giggling, with hair like Wurzle Gummage and much jiggling of jiggleythings. V.I.P tore his gaze away and his face fell.
Standing, holding all the bags, with a face like a Bulldog that had just licked pish off a nettle,
was a miserable looking Eve_reyThinkYouLikeIDontToBeDifferent, mumbling…
”I hate funfairs…and curry and handbags and breathing and pea’s and candlesticks and and reality T.V. and snails and porcelain cats and lightbulbs and celery and cushions and traffic cones and spaghetti and net curtains and stupid unfunny stories posted on the boards and kleenex tissues and trout …..”
V.I.P couldnt face that, and beat a hasty retreat to the Bingo Hut, praying for a change of luck,, he’d polished his dabber just for the occasion.

RosePedalbin and her Poodle MoFo were sat watching the Punch and Judy show, sharing a ciabatta with smoked salmon and pesto.

Children were laughing at the show until Mr Punch showed up, when they all started screaming and crying…
Even MoFo howled in a state of anxiety…

RosePedalbin stared hard at the repulsive face of Mr Punch…

” Hmmm… he looks familiar…” She stared at the craggy old face and toothless slash of a mouth…

”OMG !! it’s Jokecliff, looks like coaty is still pulling his strings !!! lmao ! ”

The Gang showed up at the show to join RosePedalbin and MoFo and all howled as Mr Punch got battered by Mrs Punch ( aka Panda, not quite as ugly but with the personality of a lemon) with a plastic crocodile.

Welche_The_Grape threw MoFo’s half chewed ‘Jumbone’ at him, and it bounced off his bald head.
The crowd cheered and clapped. Troublewithstubble mooned him ! Even more cheering !!

Soon, everyone joined in poor old Punch was covered in cold chips, soggy hotdog buns and the dregs from empty Tizer bottles.

At the top of the Ferris Wheel, Thick_Slice was near to tears, 3 hours he had been trapped in the tiny Ferris Wheel car with the not so tiny but very hormonal Wild_the _Tart. His hair was all dishrevelled, his nylon, ruffled shirt torn, his maroon, velvet trews , stained and ruined… He felt as though he had been molested by a monstrous jelly fish.

Minnie_Mouse and HandyPandy46 were in The Crooked House.

” Ooohhhh Handy …. Ive never seen such an impressive cordless screwer… ”

” Thanks Minnie, but could you let go of it now , it needs re-charging … for a minute or two.”

Minnie quickly txt’ed Blonde.

” Buy a hat, I’m dumping Chris, for the 17th time this month, I’m getting married !!! Watch this space for Minnie_Handy’s !! ”

Will Minnie give birth ? And to what ?

Will Thick escape The Jellyfish on heat ?

Has Londonmale been dumped by SusieQ and does he have a tan ?

Has Jokecliff finally ran out sycophantic greeters ?

Will Merry get to Blackpool before Christmas ?

Will Shindig ever be wrong ?

Will Blonde ever spell sooperkalafrajalisticexpeallydoshious incorrectly ?

Will V.I.P dip his dabber ?

Will sceptical guy buy a new cardigan ?

Has Rosepedalbin got magic powers and can she gag Joker even when shes out buying new scholls in Selfridges ?

He thinks so lolol.

What a Thicko !!