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14 May, 2012 at 11:21 am #496367
@eve wrote:
Have only just seen this thread. My take, and it is only my personal opinion, is that no one , man or woman , has the right to “beat up ” anyone else. However, everyone, male and female, has the right to self defence. If a man hits a woman she has the right to defend herself. If a woman hits a man, he has an equal right to hit back.
Well said.
14 May, 2012 at 12:26 pm #496368@wordsworth60 wrote:
@eve wrote:
Have only just seen this thread. My take, and it is only my personal opinion, is that no one , man or woman , has the right to “beat up ” anyone else. However, everyone, male and female, has the right to self defence. If a man hits a woman she has the right to defend herself. If a woman hits a man, he has an equal right to hit back.
Fair point eve. What I would add is that much pain can be avoided if someone learns how to de-escalate the violence, which might mean refusing to retaliate, walking or running away, calling for help or intervention or changing tack, e.g. replacing violence with rational words.
Not easy when passions are high.
What happends if one partner seeks the thrill of fear from the other? Sometimes the threat of violence is more painful pyschologically and emotionally than actual violence which often has a catalyst, albeit avoidable. Emotional scars take so much longer to heal and are harder to explain.
14 May, 2012 at 12:40 pm #496369@simplysu wrote:
@wordsworth60 wrote:
@eve wrote:
Have only just seen this thread. My take, and it is only my personal opinion, is that no one , man or woman , has the right to “beat up ” anyone else. However, everyone, male and female, has the right to self defence. If a man hits a woman she has the right to defend herself. If a woman hits a man, he has an equal right to hit back.
Fair point eve. What I would add is that much pain can be avoided if someone learns how to de-escalate the violence, which might mean refusing to retaliate, walking or running away, calling for help or intervention or changing tack, e.g. replacing violence with rational words.
Not easy when passions are high.
What happends if one partner seeks the thrill of fear from the other? Sometimes the threat of violence is more painful pyschologically and emotionally than actual violence which often has a catalyst, albeit avoidable. Emotional scars take so much longer to heal and are harder to explain.
Very true Su, and a different scenario from the ‘eye for an eye’ type, perhaps closer to the ‘grooming’ situation. Sometimes it takes something to shock the individual into getting away from the sadist, or some kind of outside intervention might be necessary, with more continuing support. Anything that stimulates the adrenal system can become addictive even in a destructive situation. That is most definitely not the same as saying “he/she asked for it” it goes far deeper and more complicated.
14 May, 2012 at 1:16 pm #496370just leave…if you can
If you vcan’t…develop strategies
14 May, 2012 at 1:47 pm #496371@sceptical guy wrote:
just leave…if you can
If you vcan’t…develop strategies
Good advice … x
14 May, 2012 at 2:13 pm #496372One thing that i do find difficult to understand is how a person who is being abused, physically, emotionally, verbally or in anyway, returns to the abuser over and over again.
14 May, 2012 at 2:41 pm #496373@eve wrote:
One thing that i do find difficult to understand is how a person who is being abused, physically, emotionally, verbally or in anyway, returns to the abuser over and over again.
Because the abuser has systematically belittled them over a period of time and robbed them of any self esteem they had, made them believe they really can’t live without the abuser and that if they leave they will either not survive or the abuser will hunt them down.
It’s hard to leave, and rebuilding your life from nothing is a struggle, if you go into a refuge you have to cut off your friends and family just when you need them the most…when self esteem and self belief is rock bottom, you’re isolated and you’re struggling to make a new life, it’s easy to believe that you’d be better off back there where, despite the abuse, you were “looked after”. If the abuser comes around sweet-talking, charming (as they usually are) and promising that they’ve learnt their lesson, they miss you and it will all be different this time if you’ll only come back, it can be hard to resist. And yes, it is different for a while, but slowly it slides back into the old pattern and you’re back where you started.
14 May, 2012 at 2:50 pm #496374@eve wrote:
One thing that i do find difficult to understand is how a person who is being abused, physically, emotionally, verbally or in anyway, returns to the abuser over and over again.
It’s not a rational thing as such. It’s complicated by emotion and something akin to brainwashing, Normal rules don’t apply. ‘Love’ makes fools of us all as they say.
Grooming a victim often involves creating or exploiting low self esteem and the abused is convinced there is no-one else for them but the abuser. Receiving the abuse can be made an almost religious duty. The same process often applies to abused children, cults and the grooming of suicide bombers.
Sometimes emotional damage causes the abused to believe that the abuse provides some sort of validation or attention and the intensity of the abuse is seldom matched by anything normal relationships supply.
Sometimes the abused is persuaded by apologies, threats against children, threats of suicide, promises it will never happen again, guilt if they’ve been persuaded that somehow they ‘asked for it’.
Something akin to obsessive devotion is in operation, it doesn’t usually respond to reason and needs a kind of deprogramming to rectify it.
14 May, 2012 at 3:04 pm #496375Sometimes too a person may be abused but have financial security…. and the kids love their dad. Every situation is different… I dont think its possible to judge other peoples relationships….the problem is how much support to give and the fine line between support and interference as interpreted by the abused person…… does that make sense?… well I know what I mean….. hope you do too :D
14 May, 2012 at 4:11 pm #496376Jen,
that is very accurate. I’ve come across a lot of cases like that.When I was a young guy i remember one friend of a friend who was belittled and hit by her guy. She would appear with a cut to her head and we encouraged her to leave. In retaliation, the man broke into her flat and cut her pet hamster’s four feet off with a pair of scissors, left it on its back next to the scissors and bleeding to death for her to discover.
She was back with him soon enough, and was prostituted by him. Helpless.
You also report the most obvious of cases, Jen, the way in whihc a man cotrols a woman. I know of less obvious cases, and not restricted to men over women. Often, it’s not even done consciously – more insidious and therefore more effective, especially when children tie the partner to the perp.
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