Death by papercuts

@blossom‘ wrote:

Just out of curiosity……what happened to all your ex husbands, did they form a new family with another woman or are they living by themselves?

My ex-husband went from relationship to relationship repeating the same pattern.
The woman in the first relationship after me actually came to me and asked me if this was why my marriage to him had ended and how she could get out of it.
20 years later I was contacted by another woman who had got my details from my parents. He had given her a cock and bull story about how I owed him money (I didn’t)…after an hour on the phone with her I found he’d done the same to her, and also given her genital warts then told her that it was her fault, she must have given them to him…despite the fact that she was a virgin when she met him.
28 years since I left him, he is still leaving a trail of women behind him and now it seems he is back living with his mother.

Blossom you seem to think that these relationships start off abusive – they don’t. The image the abuser presents to the outside world is generally of a sociable, personable man, life and soul of the party, the kind of man that people enjoy being around. With women he will be polite, charming, flirtatious, funny, then once in a relationship he will be caring, supportive, everything that a woman wants in a man. Others will be envious of you with such a wonderful man. Then once he has you hooked, slowly, almost imperceptibly, things start to change. Little things at first, like pointing out “flaws” in you. Maybe your hair is too short/long, you’re a little overweight, you have poor dress sense…he starts insisting that you shouldn’t shop for clothes without him because he knows what looks good on you. How can you object? How caring of him, and your friends are envious because they can’t drag their other half away from the footie to come shopping. Slowly he starts to undermine everything you are, everything you do, and make you feel that you can’t possibly do things without his support – he encourages your dependency on him, and slowly, without you realising it, your self-confidence is at an all-time low. Then that’s when the abuse really starts. By this time you really believe that you are nothing without him, that you need him, love him, and then it is oh so difficult to leave.

I’ll stop there, but suffice to say that that is only the beginning, it’s then that the mind games really begin. And the only reason I share that is because you remind me a little of myself when I was younger, really not understanding how any sane woman could get into that situation or why they would put up with it for as long as they do. You see Blossom, in all your naivety and scorn, you are a prime candidate to become a victim yourself.

Uhuh…you’re naive enough to think that women have to come from certain backgrounds or be mentally disturbed to become a victim. You’re scornful in that you believe they shouldn’t have got themselves into that situation in the first place or should have got out. And you make the mistake of thinking that only men “too good to be true” can be abusers…even men with flaws can be abusers, remember that they are adept at showing each person they come into contact with the kind of man that that person would be comfortable with enough to let their guard down. They are chameleons.

I remember the mother of a friend, she was abused both mentally and physically. We all knew what was happening, we all wondered why she stayed, we all swore that we would never be victims, we were too clever for that. Well we were wrong.

And for all the men out there that have been victims – for abusers are not only male – just change the gender and I’m sure you can identify too.

It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong, it’s about people who have been victims shaking off the stereotypes, sharing their stories and hopefully stopping others falling into the same traps. It’s about helping those that are fortunate enough to never have been there to gain some insight so that they can not only avoid the pitfalls themselves but also to recognise when it might be happening to friends so that rather than walking away, they stick around and offer a helping hand free of judgement when that friend needs it most.

If sharing my story stops just one other person falling into the same traps, it will be worth it.

@cherriepie wrote:

@blossom‘ wrote:

Just out of curiosity……what happened to all your ex husbands, did they form a new family with another woman or are they living by themselves?

While married mine sure as hell never slept alone while I was in a chat room being a judgmental ignorant cow.

“Just Saying”

Careful now Blossy, neglect can be looked upon as a form for abuse ;)
You may just find yourself in an “Ex” situation yourself.
As an apparent woman, I would think you should have a little more empathy for women and people in general.
“I doubt I’d be a victim of such men as I tend to look beyond the surface, never been attracted to men who are ‘too good to be true’, I prefer them with ‘flaws’….. from day one”

It’s not about the “too good to be true” Blossom, these people can come in all forms of people, friends, husbands, mothers, fathers. Abuse in general is not narrowed to just one type of person.

Part of being a woman is not just possessing a vagina Blossom, it’s also about character, that natural compassion that each woman, on some level holds. It’s about how she is able to relate to another woman, help her and understand her as a fellow woman.

You clearly have not been blessed enough to possess such natural characteristics. I suggest before you vomit “that’s not very lady like Cherrie” in chat, you take a good hard look and think about what it takes to be a woman, not just female. Reassess yourself and character and try to understand how your words here come across as cold, stern and testosterone fueled.

It’s so very easy to tell a woman to get out of an abusive relationship dismissing all other factors. It’s so easy to tell another to just leave when you don’t have her conscience, carrying her child, looking at her total balance, sitting in her home she built with love, loyalty and hope.

“My strength is not for hurting” campaign was a good one and think it can be applied to all levels of abuse, not just sexual violation. Point here being, his/her strength was not to pervert, abuse, neglect, tear down and deplete another person. Victims are not to blame, Blossom.

Well said, Cherrie xX