Confessions of a Launderer

Confessions of a Launderer.

Well,
Tonight I was sent out into the darkness which covers my garden to fetch the washing in. It had blown like a frozen boards on the rotary airer all day. I wrapped up warm and gingerly stepped from the patio onto the edge of the lawn, aware that ‘Tyke’ may have left a deposit in the ever growing grass. I have deep treads on the soles of my shoes so you may understand the reticence that I have in filling these cleats with recycled digested Pedigree Chum. There are four sides to the airer and the washing which I had been hung-out in the morning still appeared to weigh the same as when it was placed there at sun up. With my back to the house I unpegged a couple of towels and my striped Pyjama shorts, I moved to the left and removed further towels and a shirt. It was whilst I fought to release the pegs that I glanced up over my garden fence to the my next door neighbour’s bedroom just as the light was switched on. My neighbour has two daughters, about nineteen and twenty two. Donna and Dawn. I don’t know their surnames yet because we’ve only lived here fourteen years. I’ve rarely seen them out during this period but have heard them many times when they have had parties whenever their parents have been away. My daughter said that Donna works at ‘Next’ in our local shopping Mall and that Dawn is taking a gap year as an exotic dancer in Turkey. Whatever.

You may sense that I’ve set the scene to exonerate me from what then took place; yes I am. Under the cover of darkness I looked up at the window, it was an irresistible temptation for which I ask for no forgiveness; well, what I do in my own garden is of no ones business other than my own, right?
I saw her illuminated by what I suspect to be a bedside lamp, the warm glow of a 60 watt bulb displayed a very attractive form of a partially dressed young woman with high firm breasts. I didn’t notice her face I looked elsewhere. Using the cover of darkness I stooped beneath the top of the fence to steal a closer look and in doing so stood on/in something which gave slightly under my weight and squashed flat enveloping around my shoe and filling the gap between sole and heel. No matter. I peered over the fence hoping that the curtains were still open and found that she had gone from view. I recklessly waited longer than was decent to do so before continuing to unpeg the rest of the washing. As I removed my Pyjama jacket she reappeared. Quicker than previously I sprang to the fence and looked over and to my horror, she stared back directly at me eye to eye. I was shocked that she had seen me, embarrassed to say the least that I had revealed myself to be a what could only be described in court as a perv. Oh the shame. I have so much to loose at my time of life. Calamity. Thinking I may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. I resolutely returned her gaze; he who blinks first, looses. The young girl looked back obviously aware of her attractions. How long we were locked together in a clash of wills I know not. She looked vaguely familiar in a beguiling way. A bit like ‘Avril Lavigne’ in fact too much like ‘Avril Lavigne’ … It was a large full size poster hanging from the door to their en suite, the bedroom window in question belonged to Kirk the fifteen year old son I omitted to mention.

I’ve just spent the last half an hour cleaning the soles of my shoes in the sink with an old toothbrush and some Cillit Bang; a word of advice to you all, when using a bristle brush always brush away from your face, as I will do for ever more.