comedy greats

@cath 55 wrote:

are ya a grumpy puppy today toy?

Not while this programme is on the box cath. With the fantastic Stewie Griffin…….how many talking babies do you know who are bent on world domination and matricide ? A very original and perfectly realised creation…..

Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland’s house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it’s THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can’t hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you’re my bi.tch.

Lois: Oh, I haven’t been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Stewie: It wasn’t even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I have no problem. There’s always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it’s not so much that I want to kill her, it’s just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, ‘My God wouldn’t it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual?’

(Lois finds a note in Chris’s pocket)
Lois: Huh, what’s this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn’t usually read things out of Chris’s pocket. She’s more respectful than that.
Stewie: Whatever helps you sleep at night, bit.ch.

Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I’m expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Stewie: Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but you’re a total bi.tch.

Stewie: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So…this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn’t it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

Peter: (Walks out of the bathroom and wanders into another room. He walks into the room and walks behind the bed. We find out that this is Chris’ room. Hey, you still awake, Lois honey? (Peter lays down into Chris’ bed.)
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That’s right, I’m your daddy. Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh. Don’t talk, Lois, don’t talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah…now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs…running down your big man-like chest. (Peter jumps up.) Holy crap, It’s Chris!! Uhh…Uhh…So, uhh…How ya doin’? You do all your homework?
Chris: (nods his head.)
Peter: Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, just uhh, just checkin’. (Backs towards the door.) Have a good night son. (Walks down the hall.)
Peter: You still awake honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?

Stewie’s Letter: Dear stupid dog, I’ve gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I’m probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I’m sure if you make a fuss they’ll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It’s actually not a horrible sweater. It’s… It’s just I can’t imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I’m not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I’ll find the garment it goes to and then it’ll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I’m actually going to take the sweater.

Stewie: Uh you’ve reached stewie and brian, we’re not here right now, uh and if this is mom, uh send money because we’re college students and we need money for books…and highlighters…and…. noodles…and condoms, for sexual relations with our classmates.

Stewie: Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I’ll give you a hint. It’s in my diaper and it’s not a toaster.

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that’s funny! That’s really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I’ve, I’ve never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You’re the first. I’ve never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that’s what she says on the show right? Isn’t it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you’ve taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That’s so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we’re hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you’re so funny!

Lois: I’m gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy.”
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS..(Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.)
Stewie: I’m going to do it! (Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.)
Stewie: BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you’re Wonder Woman!

Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!
I was under the impression the name of the show was “Kids Say the Darndest Things,” not “Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up.”

Lois: Stewie why don’t you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don’t you burn in hell?

Stewie (talking on Sesame Street phone): Put me through to the Pentagon!

Quagmire (with a trashy girl on his arm): Hang around little guy, I’ll be back later (he winks).
Stewie: Oh very well. I suppose I’ll go and pump the chemical toilet. (Eyes the trashy girl.) apparently, you’re about to do the same.

Lois Griffin: Come on Stewie, don’t be afraid. It’s just water, it’s not gonna bite.
Stewie Griffin: Shut up! I know it’s not going to bite, stupid! What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it you moron! It doesn’t have to bite you!

Oh verily, TB, Stewie is one of the incredible comic creations of the age. His plotting, evil-intentioned mutterings, arrogant commands and devious devilment put my husband in mind of ME, he tells me every time we watch Family Guy.
I can’t think why. :?

For me, there have been two outstanding comedic creations of the last forty years. Firstly – DAD’S ARMY and the gloriously inept Home-Guard of Walmington-On Sea – and more recently, the fabulously clever FATHER TED’s motley crew of Craggy Island misfits as invented and crafted by the brilliant Irish writers, Graham Linehan and Arthur Matthews. Most people would credit themselves with a sense of humour, but laughing is easy..creating the laughs is a matter of genius in both writing and presentation. Dermot Morgan’s portrayal of the hapless Father Ted Crilly is a superb tribute to the authorship, and in his passing he has left behind a fabulous library of hilarity, to which we can return time and again.

LINGERIE ESCAPADE-FATHER TED

@sharongooner wrote:

Oh the lingerie one…. brilliant 8)

It’s my favourite, Shazza, so cleverly plotted and executed that not only do I never tire of watching it, but always find something new by way of a comment or attitude, to make me laugh. Sheer genius. :D