carol to win BB

grace dents latest,,she cracks me up…and oooh theres a vid on you tube of channele and ziggy doing it !! The bookies have paid out already.

The fact that Liam was awarded a £100,000 prize last night for doing absolutely nothing tells us much about the Big Brother experience.

Now let’s be clear here: since Friday, Liam hasn’t contributed much. Aside from wandering around stripped to the waist mumbling, “Shlump, yer naa, aye, it were canny, like! Aye! Well big trees an’ at. Aye! I luv me mum an me mates an ‘at! Aye canny! Goin’ owt on the toon an ‘at. Get a hold a sumgirl an ‘at.”

Obviously, Liam was lovely to look at when he was doing his Oz from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet routine. Liam has one of those physiques that you might see on a naked firemen charity calendar. Those calendars that make TV critics of a certain age consider throwing a bucket of water over their chip pan, changing into a negligée then dialling 999.

However, it’s arguable that Liam perhaps wasn’t the most deserving person in there to get the cash. Maybe Carole the martyr should have got it for washing everyone’s gussets? Or Gerry, as compensation for his poor violated monkey, Freddy, which now smells of “lube”? But Carole and Gerry are both rather astute and gobby and in the Big Brother house keeping it buttoned and acting dim will save your skin.

That’s where people like Jonathan, and in CBB4, George Galloway go sadly awry. They think they can just saunter in and run rings around the stupids with their big vocabulary and character judgement skills. They’ll just hover from group to group being sardonic and omniscient, then everyone in the house and the whole country will think they’re ace.

Sadly, there’s no place for brains in the Big Brother house. What prize does Jonathan get for sussing out house dynamics in 22 minutes what will take Brian six weeks? Within two days of being in there, Jonathan saw that Nicky is a moody cow, Tracey’s “ave it” routine is an annoying defence mechanism, and the twins talk a load of old crap. But all it’s brought Jonathan is sadness and alienation.

Look at him wandering about broken. He’s been branded “a perv” by Nicky and nominated by Billi for being rude. All Jonathan’s done is point out that two 18-year-old women gurgling, “Pink, fluffy, lark, pink, fluffy, lark, lark, do yer luvvit? Do yer luvvit?!” might be amusing, but makes no sense.

The world is neither pink nor fluffy. No matter how you look at it. No matter that, in my opinion, the twinnies’ mummy has engineered it so her babies stay babies forever by repeating the idiot mantra.

Jonathan’s found that it’s rather easy to be branded a dangerous subversive in the Big Brother house. Oh, yes, Chanelle and Charley can burble on all day about “deals” and “being celebrities” when they get out, but if Jonathan calmly states that the twins are the slickest marketing machine in there, everyone looks at him like he took out a gun and blasted Bambi’s mum. Stop making our heads go fizzy, scary knowledge man! We want to talk about hair-straighteners!

Saying that, it’s not like Liam’s £100,000 will bring him long-term happiness. Not now Nicky’s got her beady eye on him. I feel that Nicky, in her current state, is a man’s worst nightmare. She’s absolutely gorgeous: tiny and slim with a doll-like face, beautiful eyes and lovely shiny hair. If a bloke saw her giving him the eye across a dance floor he’d think all his birthdays had come at once. Cut to three weeks later, once he’s officially her boyfriend, and he will be in the fiery furnaces of hell.

He’ll face an eternal damnation of moaning, bickering and being beaten verbally for something bad some other bloke did in 2004. “All men are pervs!” Nicky tells the diary room. “I don’t do men! Horrid, vile little creatures! They repulse me!” she says to Chanelle. Then she stares over at Liam and sighs, “Oh, but he says he wants to get married one day! And have kids! And I think, ‘Oooooooh, marry meeeee!'”

Run for the hills, Liam! Run! Oh, you can’t. You’re locked in a house with her. And she’s slinky and curvy and looks like a Victoria’s Secret model when she puts on her bikini and deigns to flash an occasional smile. That is a tricky one. Never mind, you’ve got £100,000 now. When the rollercoaster of mental anguish is over you can spend some of your cash on a long holiday up a big tree somewhere.

Elsewhere, Ziggy and Chanelle’s relationship is beginning to unravel. I hope for Ziggy’s sake Chanelle slouches off with Billi. She deserves someone as vapid and hilariously fame-hungry as herself. Someone she can make a life with out of “walking in and out of places being photographed” and sitting behind a velvet rope thinking it makes her very important. I’m not sure why, but I’ve never warmed to Chanelle.

I find the whole Victoria Beckham, I wanna-be-a-Wag mumbo jumbo she spouts quite depressing. I wanted to scream the other day when she was cuddled up with Ziggy and he asked her if she’d ever consider a boob job and she replied without thinking, “Yes, will you buy me one?!”

“Buy your own boobs!” I felt like screaming. “Get a job and buy your own boobs. Y’know that Destiny’s Child song Independent Woman that you no doubt murder at karaoke? Y’know, the bit about buying your own diamonds and rings? Why not try applying this post-feminist logic to ‘boob implants’, too? Unless you want to be standing in some court room in five years’ time with your ex suing you for 50% of your surgically implanted chicken fillets!”

But I didn’t scream it really. I just screamed it internally. I’m not allowed to scream at Big Brother any more. What with the screaming and the constant fire engines arriving, the neighbours are getting quite vexed.

Weirdly, I quite like Ziggy. He ticks every box of someone I wouldn’t be able to stand, but I still think he’s not a bad bloke. I think he’s made a mistake by picking the prettiest girl in there and jumping into a relationship feet first. But I don’t think Chanelle will be too distraught when it’s finally over. The fact she said his name four times “accidentally” Freudian-slip-style during nominations doesn’t bode well.

If Ziggy finishes it, Chanelle will probably cry for ten minutes, then put on those little panties with SINGLE across the bum and play foam fights with all the other boys. No change there. She was doing that before.

I think Carole might go tomorrow. There’s only so much a nation can stand of her passive-aggressive sighing. Her trudging from the pool in her lumpy cossie looking like an evil sea Medusa from Jason and the Argonauts. Her cauldrons of soup that she’s seasoned with resent.

Thank God they never gave us a referendum on Iraq; by the time Carole had given everyone a banana and told everyone they couldn’t speak unless they were holding one, then stormed off crying when someone else made a point, we’d all have been voting for George Bush as our president, too.

Ah, another week drawing to a close. So many questions left unanswered. What would a pink and fluffy world look like? How long before Laura cracks and eats Freddy the monkey between two slices of bread with a bit of mayo? Will Big Brother ever send in some slutty hot girls for Brian to play Spin the Bottle with? Stay tuned…

yeah the big romance is off..chanelle hardly looked bothered as it means she can get tore into billi now.they played each other so i have no sympathy for either,,i saw it cooling the minute the 4 males entered the room..channele realised she was trapped when the others were having fun and larking about..He kinda worded it so she could go ” oh no no ziggy I dont want to break up” but she didnt..she will be brushing billis hair any second now.

seemingly theres an 8 second clip on youtube of chiggy doing it ,,the links been pulled from the forum though,as i went to nosey there hehe.