Bloke Jokes

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection…
but she did.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
” Dave, that’s one of the nicest most respectful things I’ve ever seen “
Dave replies,
” Well we were married for nearly 20 years “

Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”
“Don’t do that” says Mick
“have you seen how many of their owners go blind”

I’ve just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they’re not actually a dating agency.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said i would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not listening.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten. It’s called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied
it’s me talking to the beer.

The husband has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all his clothes back.

Hi mate i don’t want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn’t what i thought it was.

And the last one – which is my fav!!
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.