Be my cyber Valentine. There’s chocolate and jiggy involved

@nicey wrote:

@rusty trawler wrote:

@simplysu wrote:

FAO Mr. R Trawler, esq.
…

Dear Ms Su

What an absolute pleasure it was to receive your letter.

You will undoubtedly have noted that respondents to my little appeal appeal, for the most part, appear to be performing a volte face and, reminiscent of someone recovering from a brief bout of amnesia, they are recalling that they had made previous arrangements with some fabricated suitor. Others have either ensured my life is in constant peril or taunted me with images of ladies in states of undress that would promote a seizure from most red blooded men or promised ‘serving jugs’ only never to be heard from again (not very nice, Ms Nice).

These taunts and titillations are sufficient to upset the equanimity of a saint. Show me a sincere and loving maiden and I will fix my eyes upon hers with nothing less than pure admiration, granted should she momentarily relax her reciprocal gaze, I may covertly sneak a peak at her ample assets – but then I am but a man (despite recent rumours to the contrary). So I am sure you will not be surprised when I report that my constitution is presently a little weak; there is only so much rejection and derision a gentleman can take without ruinous effect.

However I detected much sincerity in your letter, and that has encouraged the gathering of the necessary strength and wherewithal to respond in kind. Dare I say that your letter had been an absolute tonic and, although I am unable to always rely on my anatomy to react similarly, my dander is up. I will therefore endeavour to deal with my detractors at a suitable later date.

You willingness to arm wrestle for my affections has been noted with some relish. What a quaint proposition. Although I feel compelled to remind you that I’m a gentleman and the idea of engaging in such a debauch spectacle with a lady of your standing is quite a questionable notion. Perhaps I could suggest a tumble as more palatable alternative? With the exception of a tumble, I find most physical encounters quite challenging. My comparisons to Adonis have become rather infrequent in recent years, although some have hinted that I have a certain Errol Flynn swordsman-like quality. Actually, taking into consideration the signed NDA, I ought to confess to being more akin to somewhere between the Errol Flynn-like and the worm quality that you casually intimated at. I’ll convey more details once I have double checked the authenticity of the signature on the NDA.

I’m drawn to your proposition of a tandem ride, but due to my lack of skill, I cannot promise we will cover much distance. My last attempt lasted less than five minutes. I had an exceptionally good time, but my female fellow rider wanted to get right back on, and as much as the heart was willing, alas, the body was unable to comply.

I cannot feign surprise at the sad demise of my manservant; his life has perilously been in the balance ever since he began to secretly steam open my letters, which only engendered within him ideas above his station: believing that he was somehow my social equal, he recently entered into a torrid affair with one of my correspondents. As intoxicating as she may be, she is a femme fatale that no man has yet been able to match.

Besides, given your knowledge of the Dewey classification system, I don’t think I will reminisce too much about his traditional services; I’m rather elated at the prospect of replacing him with a Rubenesque librarian.

Kind regards,

Rusty Trawler

P.S: I’m afraid CheekyLittleMinx has depleted my supply of CurlyWurlies. Would it be possible for me to entice you with a Sherbet Dip?

Dear Mr Crawler,
Please accept my sincere apologies for the tardiness of this reply. I have unfortunately been indisposed, having recently suffered a mishap whilst visiting the Temple of Mammon, known locally as The Trafford Centre.

Having bounded rather too enthusiastically into Selfridges to search for a suitable outfit for our forthcoming date, my large serving jugs became entangled in the revolving doors.

The ensuing 3 hours were an oasis of pain and embarrassment, as 4 fire crews battled against both fatigue and hysterical laughter to free them from the “Doors of Doom” in front of approximately 100 shopper-spectators.

Thankfully the precious family heirlooms were liberated before the arrival of the BBC News crew from Media City in Salford, although I have been forced to spend several days at home in a prone position, waiting for the bruising and swelling to subside.

I am hoping to be able to get through the door by the weekend.

I look forward to hearing from you in the near future to discuss the finer details of our rendez-vous, although I must warn you that my General Practitioner has specifically discouraged me from any sudden, repeated, vigorous movement for the time being, so I suspect I will be unable to partake of the “jiggy” you so generously offered.
Kindest regards,
Nicey x

Would not lieing completely still on your back, thinking of England and counting cracks in the ceiling plaster be a temporary solution to this problem?

On behalf of Miss MoneyPenny:

Dear Diary … I have a dilemma. I know it’s been ever such a long time since I’ve written to you (and to be fair, I tend to use the pages as a colouring book, but the pictures are very pretty!), so I hope you don’t mind me using you as a sounding board.

I’ve applied for a cyber date!

I know!

Me!

Not only that, I’ve had a reply. Sighs. He’s such a gentleman, but I fear he will never be mine. Despite that, I think he deserves a little something for all his efforts, so I need to think of a suitable gift. Such a special man with special qualities deserves something a bit special. What do you suggest?

I am searching for my own perfect bond. I crave the feeling of something warm in my hand; something steamy and satisfyingly refreshing. I am of course referring to my passion for tea, so my perfect bond would be more Brook than James.

Oh Diary, what should I do? He’s so popular with the ladies and in fact has had so many applications for the same vacancy, that I’m sure he will choose wisely. But those other ladies just want him for his chocolate and give him nothing in return. How could I get him to notice me; I’m easily missed in a crowd?

Mens du er opptatt med å samle inn stener, kan du bli med utsikt over en diamant.

Thank you, Diary. Smiles.

ha ha chortles and snorts
that do you mp lol
brilliant thread.