-
Posts
-
Dear Mr Trawler,
I regret to inform you that your manservant and I have parted company. Having completed the enactment of the last of your drawings I found that his imagination was somewhat lacking and I could no longer bear the marks of his fake tan on my white satin sheets. He claims to be a tanorexic or some such thing, a hangover from his Chippendale days. Anyway enough was enough, he had to go. No accidents this time you’ll be pleased to hear, I simply told him to leave and he didn’t seem too upset, he left muttering something about there being plenty more mugs out there.
He did say that he would return to collect his things in an hour or two but that was yesterday. I have heard reports of human remains being found in the hedgerows near the house of a woman known hereabouts as Su “Praying Mantis” Simply but I’m sure that is just a coincidence.
You may not be aware of this but your manservant kept very detailed diaries of his time with you, he referred to them as his insurance policy. I do hope that he returns to collect his things soon but rest assured that the diaries, and your secrets, are safe with me.
Fond regards,
Ms Jen JenP.S. I do feel it’s my duty to warn you that there are rumours that Velvet used to be a man named Victor but they are only rumours. Although having read snippets of your diary I’m not sure that would make much difference.
So funny you two… I’m loving your exchanges.
I think you should risk it with jen Rusty…. you could always sleep with one eye open… for safety’s sake :D
Written on behalf of ‘Miss MoneyPenny’
Dear Mr Trawler
I would be interested in applying for the position of cyber valentine as I find myself at a loose end too.
However, could we come to some sort of other arrangement on the chocolate? I don’t like chocolate, it’s not my thing.
Perfume, holidays or diamonds. You choose!
Failing that, crayons and colouring book would be accepted in lieu of jiggy. I have no experience myself in this matter, so I will be entirely in your hands so to speak.
I hope that the cyber date will result in the welcome delights of being snuggled up on the sofa with a cup of tea, well before 9pm.
Look forward to hearing from you.
From your honey money :D xx@simplysu wrote:
FAO Mr. R Trawler, esq.
…Dear Ms Su
What an absolute pleasure it was to receive your letter.
You will undoubtedly have noted that respondents to my little appeal appeal, for the most part, appear to be performing a volte face and, reminiscent of someone recovering from a brief bout of amnesia, they are recalling that they had made previous arrangements with some fabricated suitor. Others have either ensured my life is in constant peril or taunted me with images of ladies in states of undress that would promote a seizure from most red blooded men or promised ‘serving jugs’ only never to be heard from again (not very nice, Ms Nice).
These taunts and titillations are sufficient to upset the equanimity of a saint. Show me a sincere and loving maiden and I will fix my eyes upon hers with nothing less than pure admiration, granted should she momentarily relax her reciprocal gaze, I may covertly sneak a peak at her ample assets – but then I am but a man (despite recent rumours to the contrary). So I am sure you will not be surprised when I report that my constitution is presently a little weak; there is only so much rejection and derision a gentleman can take without ruinous effect.
However I detected much sincerity in your letter, and that has encouraged the gathering of the necessary strength and wherewithal to respond in kind. Dare I say that your letter had been an absolute tonic and, although I am unable to always rely on my anatomy to react similarly, my dander is up. I will therefore endeavour to deal with my detractors at a suitable later date.
You willingness to arm wrestle for my affections has been noted with some relish. What a quaint proposition. Although I feel compelled to remind you that I’m a gentleman and the idea of engaging in such a debauch spectacle with a lady of your standing is quite a questionable notion. Perhaps I could suggest a tumble as more palatable alternative? With the exception of a tumble, I find most physical encounters quite challenging. My comparisons to Adonis have become rather infrequent in recent years, although some have hinted that I have a certain Errol Flynn swordsman-like quality. Actually, taking into consideration the signed NDA, I ought to confess to being more akin to somewhere between the Errol Flynn-like and the worm quality that you casually intimated at. I’ll convey more details once I have double checked the authenticity of the signature on the NDA.
I’m drawn to your proposition of a tandem ride, but due to my lack of skill, I cannot promise we will cover much distance. My last attempt lasted less than five minutes. I had an exceptionally good time, but my female fellow rider wanted to get right back on, and as much as the heart was willing, alas, the body was unable to comply.
I cannot feign surprise at the sad demise of my manservant; his life has perilously been in the balance ever since he began to secretly steam open my letters, which only engendered within him ideas above his station: believing that he was somehow my social equal, he recently entered into a torrid affair with one of my correspondents. As intoxicating as she may be, she is a femme fatale that no man has yet been able to match.
Besides, given your knowledge of the Dewey classification system, I don’t think I will reminisce too much about his traditional services; I’m rather elated at the prospect of replacing him with a Rubenesque librarian.
Kind regards,
Rusty Trawler
P.S: I’m afraid CheekyLittleMinx has depleted my supply of CurlyWurlies. Would it be possible for me to entice you with a Sherbet Dip?
@simplysu wrote:
Written on behalf of ‘Miss MoneyPenny’
Dear Mr Trawler
I would be interested in applying for the position of cyber valentine as I find myself at a loose end too.
However, could we come to some sort of other arrangement on the chocolate? I don’t like chocolate, it’s not my thing.
Perfume, holidays or diamonds. You choose!
Failing that, crayons and colouring book would be accepted in lieu of jiggy. I have no experience myself in this matter, so I will be entirely in your hands so to speak.
I hope that the cyber date will result in the welcome delights of being snuggled up on the sofa with a cup of tea, well before 9pm.
Look forward to hearing from you.
From your honey money :D xxDear Ms MoneyPenny,
Many thanks for your kind application.
My supply of chocolate is presently at precarious re-order levels because many of the damsels I have recently entered into detailed correspondence with have requested chocolates in advance as a sign of my good faith. Upon receipt of the said chocolates, my good faith has not been reciprocated with photos or promises of an assignation. For the most part these ladies have performed disappearing acts the late Houdini would marvel at. So I’m delighted at your willingness to consider other pleasures.
I too have scant experience of matters jiggy. My more earthy fellows at the JC Gentleman’s Club inform me that it is rather like chocolate and has a similar addictive quality. As their paroxysms of laughter at my limited carnal knowledge abated they also suggested that it is perhaps best first experienced with a similar novice (apparently my shortcomings would otherwise be evident by comparison), so you seem an ideal partner.
Apparently jiggy has a concomitant salty idiom all of its own, as a gentleman and a lady I suspect both of us will be rather too overcome with embarrassment, and the crayons and colouring book will enable us to illustrate that which we are unable to utter.
I am reminded of my dear old grandfather who, when I came of age, took me to one side and proffered the following words of wisdom: ‘under promise and over deliver.’ With his advice in mind, I am challenged to think of anything nicer than snuggling up on my chesterfield with a cup of tea, any other ideas we may later pursue would surely be a welcome bonus.
Kind Regards,
Rusty Trawler
@rusty trawler wrote:
@simplysu wrote:
FAO Mr. R Trawler, esq.
…Dear Ms Su
What an absolute pleasure it was to receive your letter.
You will undoubtedly have noted that respondents to my little appeal appeal, for the most part, appear to be performing a volte face and, reminiscent of someone recovering from a brief bout of amnesia, they are recalling that they had made previous arrangements with some fabricated suitor. Others have either ensured my life is in constant peril or taunted me with images of ladies in states of undress that would promote a seizure from most red blooded men or promised ‘serving jugs’ only never to be heard from again (not very nice, Ms Nice).
These taunts and titillations are sufficient to upset the equanimity of a saint. Show me a sincere and loving maiden and I will fix my eyes upon hers with nothing less than pure admiration, granted should she momentarily relax her reciprocal gaze, I may covertly sneak a peak at her ample assets – but then I am but a man (despite recent rumours to the contrary). So I am sure you will not be surprised when I report that my constitution is presently a little weak; there is only so much rejection and derision a gentleman can take without ruinous effect.
However I detected much sincerity in your letter, and that has encouraged the gathering of the necessary strength and wherewithal to respond in kind. Dare I say that your letter had been an absolute tonic and, although I am unable to always rely on my anatomy to react similarly, my dander is up. I will therefore endeavour to deal with my detractors at a suitable later date.
You willingness to arm wrestle for my affections has been noted with some relish. What a quaint proposition. Although I feel compelled to remind you that I’m a gentleman and the idea of engaging in such a debauch spectacle with a lady of your standing is quite a questionable notion. Perhaps I could suggest a tumble as more palatable alternative? With the exception of a tumble, I find most physical encounters quite challenging. My comparisons to Adonis have become rather infrequent in recent years, although some have hinted that I have a certain Errol Flynn swordsman-like quality. Actually, taking into consideration the signed NDA, I ought to confess to being more akin to somewhere between the Errol Flynn-like and the worm quality that you casually intimated at. I’ll convey more details once I have double checked the authenticity of the signature on the NDA.
I’m drawn to your proposition of a tandem ride, but due to my lack of skill, I cannot promise we will cover much distance. My last attempt lasted less than five minutes. I had an exceptionally good time, but my female fellow rider wanted to get right back on, and as much as the heart was willing, alas, the body was unable to comply.
I cannot feign surprise at the sad demise of my manservant; his life has perilously been in the balance ever since he began to secretly steam open my letters, which only engendered within him ideas above his station: believing that he was somehow my social equal, he recently entered into a torrid affair with one of my correspondents. As intoxicating as she may be, she is a femme fatale that no man has yet been able to match.
Besides, given your knowledge of the Dewey classification system, I don’t think I will reminisce too much about his traditional services; I’m rather elated at the prospect of replacing him with a Rubenesque librarian.
Kind regards,
Rusty Trawler
P.S: I’m afraid CheekyLittleMinx has depleted my supply of CurlyWurlies. Would it be possible for me to entice you with a Sherbet Dip?
Dear Mr Crawler,
Please accept my sincere apologies for the tardiness of this reply. I have unfortunately been indisposed, having recently suffered a mishap whilst visiting the Temple of Mammon, known locally as The Trafford Centre.Having bounded rather too enthusiastically into Selfridges to search for a suitable outfit for our forthcoming date, my large serving jugs became entangled in the revolving doors.
The ensuing 3 hours were an oasis of pain and embarrassment, as 4 fire crews battled against both fatigue and hysterical laughter to free them from the “Doors of Doom” in front of approximately 100 shopper-spectators.
Thankfully the precious family heirlooms were liberated before the arrival of the BBC News crew from Media City in Salford, although I have been forced to spend several days at home in a prone position, waiting for the bruising and swelling to subside.
I am hoping to be able to get through the door by the weekend.
I look forward to hearing from you in the near future to discuss the finer details of our rendez-vous, although I must warn you that my General Practitioner has specifically discouraged me from any sudden, repeated, vigorous movement for the time being, so I suspect I will be unable to partake of the “jiggy” you so generously offered.
Kindest regards,
Nicey x@nicey wrote:
Dear Mr Crawler,
Please accept my sincere apologies for the tardiness of this reply. I have unfortunately been indisposed, having recently suffered a mishap whilst visiting the Temple of Mammon, known locally as The Trafford Centre.Having bounded rather too enthusiastically into Selfridges to search for a suitable outfit for our forthcoming date, my large serving jugs became entangled in the revolving doors.
The ensuing 3 hours were an oasis of pain and embarrassment, as 4 fire crews battled against both fatigue and hysterical laughter to free them from the “Doors of Doom” in front of approximately 100 shopper-spectators.
Thankfully the precious family heirlooms were liberated before the arrival of the BBC News crew from Media City in Salford, although I have been forced to spend several days at home in a prone position, waiting for the bruising and swelling to subside.
I am hoping to be able to get through the door by the weekend.
I look forward to hearing from you in the near future to discuss the finer details of our rendez-vous, although I must warn you that my General Practitioner has specifically discouraged me from any sudden, repeated, vigorous movement for the time being, so I suspect I will be unable to partake of the “jiggy” you so generously offered.
Kindest regards,
Nicey xDear Miss Nice
I shall begin by commending your ability to assemble sufficient poise to send this correspondence despite your recent travails.
Having often found myself transfixed by the JC Gentleman’s Club barmaid’s adroit jug handling, I can easily imagine the difficulties that had ensued whilst you attempted to maintain your serving jug composure in transit – and amongst the one hundred or so fellow shoppers in the Trafford Centre.
I’m not entirely convinced that this incident was nothing less than a cunning contrivance to skilfully deflect any possibility of jiggy. As I have already confessed elsewhere, I’m a relative novice regarding things of this nature and, truth be told, I’m not entirely sure what ‘jiggy’ is, but at least I now know that I don’t appear to be able to give it away for love or money.
A recent conversation with my peers at the JC Gentlemen’s Club recommended that an alternative approach may yield more positive responses. Apparently, if I was to make a small enquiry about the well being of your male progenitor (a bit of how’s your father) or somehow persuaded you to take up baking (tarting) all ambiguity would be removed. I remain unconvinced, but unless I change my methodology I will probably remain without suitable company on Valentine’s Day once again.
Kind regards,
Rusty Trawler
P.S: best wishes with your convalescences. I have always pursued a second opinion when my G.P. suggests any course of action.
lol @ Nicey and Mr ” Crawler ” tut tut :lol:
(Rusty….. * Swooooooooooons * :wink: )
@annette-curtain wrote:
lol @ Nicey and Mr ” Crawler ” tut tut :lol:
(Rusty….. * Swooooooooooons * :wink: )
Lol Netty,
I count that swoooooon as an application.
@rusty trawler wrote:
@annette-curtain wrote:
lol @ Nicey and Mr ” Crawler ” tut tut :lol:
(Rusty….. * Swooooooooooons * :wink: )
Lol Netty,
I count that swoooooon as an application.
:-#
What is this life, if full of care , we have no time to stand and stare. . . . . . .
:-k
Get involved in this discussion! Log in or register now to have your say!