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Posts
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@mrs_teapot wrote:
Dear Mr Trawler & Miss jenjen
It’s a well known fact that when a Yorkshire man is annoyed, their response is typically a tut followed by: “…I’m gonna write a letter.” This is that letter!
It has shocked me to the core that you dare to draw attention to my clandestine pursuits, and what business it of yours how I make my money? If it were not for my lovely wife’s appeals for restraint I would definitely take this matter further!
Here in Yorkshire, we know that life is difficult enough without some “testa di cazzo” (clean translation: pain in the ass) giving you a hard time, telling you what to do, or getting in your way!
On this occasion consider yourselves very lucky not to be receiving a visit from “the boys” however I trust this will not be necessary. But be warned I am not a manto be trifled with! (BTW my wife makes a lovely trifle)
Thank you and Tanti Saluti da Corleone!
Mr Corleone Teapot
Dear Don Corleone
It seems I have inadvertently invoked your ire.
If you had access to my previous correspondences you would note that when confronted with the choices of fight or flee, I invariably choose the latter. And although the prospect of awakening next to a severed horses head is a marked contrast to the usual where my bed remains empty and all I have for company are the erotic dreams that I tend to cultivate in my night time reverie, I’m not entirely sure it’s an experience that I have any haste to tick off my bucket list.
Please be assured that I’m a man of honour and probity. After all, even though I’m currently a man of no fix abode – it’s a long story but it has something to do with Interpol and the fact I’d hate for you to discover where I actually live – my parents exhibited the necessary perspicacity to ensure I was born in your lovely county to guarantee my eligibility to play for Yorkshire. The fact that I show no capacity for the sport can be accounted for by wasting my youthful years collecting erotic playing cards.
Furthermore, even though Mrs Teapot is undoubtedly among the most beautiful women to have ever graced this world – you are indeed a lucky man – I’m aware that it would be foolhardy to entertain imprudent thoughts about her.
Those malicious rumours casting aspersion against my good name are nothing more than the libellous tittle-tattle of unscrupulous men that frequent the JC Gentleman’s Club. I’m the type of chap you would gladly have a friendly wager with over the outcome of an elicit whippet race or, indeed, someone you would welcome to share a glass or two of the last of the summer wine.
Yours obediently
Rusty Trawler
Dear Mrs Teapot
Whilst the idea of engaging in a torrid affair with a gangster’s moll is initially very appealing, I’m a veritable coward.
My man servant is no match for the Mr Teapot’s motley gang, and quite frankly I don’t think I’ll be able to secure his services for much longer; the tenor of my recent correspondences seemed to have inspired him to think that it is high time he acquired a wife.
So I’m afraid I must admire you from afar. Our love must remain the love that dare not speak its name. I know the idea of our lips never meeting will almost be a burden to heavy to bear but you must hold fast and nurture a stoic outlook. It wasn’t to be and that, I’m afraid, is that.
Yours sincerely from a safe distance,
Rusty Trawler,
P.S: any chance of a bit of trifle?
Dear Miss Taffy,
What a pleasant surprise to receive an application from the other side of the pond.
Was it our Winston Churchill or your Teddy Roosevelt who said that England and America are countries separated by a common language? Who cares, because fortunately I’m fully conversant in the international language of luuuuuuuuurve, so wherever we may stumble on confusion with the spoken word fear not, as I’ll be able to easily translate with erotic sign language.
However, they may be other obstacles for us to navigate. For example, we have employed a metric system over here for quite some time, so when I provide you with my physical dimensions in centimetres (height, waistline, hat size… and any other measurements you may feel compelled to enquire about) I suspect you will automatically think in inches and therefore become woefully disappointed when I don’t measure up.
Tell me more of the American conventions and rituals of courtship. What does first base entail, for example? Why do Americans insist on calling a bum bag an anatomically incorrect name? Why do you insist on thinking that bosoms mimic the sounds of owls? My well-thumbed Alfred Kinsey primer is rather vague on these things
Kind regards,
Rusty Trawler
@nicey wrote:
Dear Crusty Brawler,
I may be interested in your offer of chocolate this February (being innocent, I am not sure what “jiggy” involves).
My qualifications and experience are as follows:
Qualifications
* expert with a notebook and pencil (which I am fond of licking)
* ample curvaceous assets
Experience
* I turn up naked and bring beer
I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.
Kind regards,
Nicey :)
PS Did I mention my pair of large jugs?Dear Miss Nice
What a charming proposition.
I’ll gladly arrange a jiggy class for beginners for you at your behest – and you can take notes in your notebook. Although on perusing your qualifications and experiences I think we may have to reverse roles: I become to the student to your teacher.
I’m rather partial to beer although I’m unable to drink more than two glasses of the full strength stuff without it impeding my ability to provide an efficient and worthwhile jiggy class.
Please ensure to inform me about your earliest availability and don’t forget to pencil the date in your notebook to ensure prompt time keeping.
With scholarly regards,
Rusty Trawler
P.S: for educational purposes only it might be a good idea to bring the jugs to the class.
Dear Mr Trawler
You sound like a very charming man (and boy do i like a charming man) ty for considering me in your valentines list much appreciated, and i will say id be a happy bunny to be your valentine date for the evening top of the pile …wow im speechless. :D@rusty trawler wrote:
Dear Mrs Teapot
Whilst the idea of engaging in a torrid affair with a gangster’s moll is initially very appealing, I’m a veritable coward.
My man servant is no match for the Mr Teapot’s motley gang, and quite frankly I don’t think I’ll be able to secure his services for much longer; the tenor of my recent correspondences seemed to have inspired him to think that it is high time he acquired a wife.
So I’m afraid I must admire you from afar. Our love must remain the love that dare not speak its name. I know the idea of our lips never meeting will almost be a burden to heavy to bear but you must hold fast and nurture a stoic outlook. It wasn’t to be and that, I’m afraid, is that.
Yours sincerely from a safe distance,
Rusty Trawler,
P.S: any chance of a bit of trifle?
Make your own trifle… sniff sniff….gutted
:D :D :D
@rusty trawler wrote:
. . . . . . unscrupulous men that frequent the JC Gentleman’s Club. . . . . . .
Dear Brother Trawler
These allegations are quite serious. While the club maintains a strict “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on most personal issues, please raise any matters affecting personal safety or public reputation with the committee. Matters of ethics are always overseen by His Honour Judge Sadness)
Yours in the half-light
W
@wordsworth60 wrote:
@rusty trawler wrote:
. . . . . . unscrupulous men that frequent the JC Gentleman’s Club. . . . . . .
Dear Brother Trawler
These allegations are quite serious. While the club maintains a strict “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on most personal issues, please raise any matters affecting personal safety or public reputation with the committee. Matters of ethics are always overseen by His Honour Judge Sadness)
Yours in the half-light
W
Dear Grandmaster Words:
Please accept my earnest apologies for my wanton disregard of the club rules.
In moments of personal jeopardy I’m prone to hyperbole. Indeed, countless have been the occasions where I have depended on the benevolence of my comrades to ensure that I am safely extracted from a precarious scrape or two.
And now is such an occasion! I’m perfectly aware that the tedious business of club administration is rather taxing on your time – we’re all fully appreciative of your tireless (unpaid) efforts – but could I call possibly call upon your highly-valued assistance?
It seems that the ladies of JC are a feisty lot, don’t let their protestations and feigned disapproval of the male species fool you. If a man has had the requisite good fortune to retain the majority of his own teeth, mastered the art of using cutlery and can resist the urge to talk about anything sports related whilst on a romantic assignation with a fair maiden, why, then that man is a veritable catch. Perhaps you would be so good as to extend your enviable charm to the ladies of JC so we can ensure they are all recipients of a jolly good time on Valentine’s Day.
In order to motivate you in proffering assistance I shall draw your attention to the club moto:
A frater inops est a frater iuvo
A brother in need is a brother indeed
fraternally yours,
Brother Trawler
@rusty trawler wrote:
@wordsworth60 wrote:
@rusty trawler wrote:
. . . . . . unscrupulous men that frequent the JC Gentleman’s Club. . . . . . .
Dear Brother Trawler
These allegations are quite serious. While the club maintains a strict “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on most personal issues, please raise any matters affecting personal safety or public reputation with the committee. Matters of ethics are always overseen by His Honour Judge Sadness)
Yours in the half-light
W
Dear Grandmaster Words:
Please accept my earnest apologies for my wanton disregard of the club rules.
In moments of personal jeopardy I’m prone to hyperbole. Indeed, countless have been the occasions where I have depended on the benevolence of my comrades to ensure that I am safely extracted from a precarious scrape or two.
And now is such an occasion! I’m perfectly aware that the tedious business of club administration is rather taxing on your time – we’re all fully appreciative of your tireless (unpaid) efforts – but could I call possibly call upon your highly-valued assistance?
It seems that the ladies of JC are a feisty lot, don’t let their protestations and feigned disapproval of the male species fool you. If a man has had the requisite good fortune to retain the majority of his own teeth, mastered the art of using cutlery and can resist the urge to talk about anything sports related whilst on a romantic assignation with a fair maiden, why, then that man is a veritable catch. Perhaps you would be so good as to extend your enviable charm to the ladies of JC so we can ensure they are all recipients of a jolly good time on Valentine’s Day.
In order to motivate you in proffering assistance I shall draw your attention to the club moto:
A frater inops est a frater iuvo
A brother in need is a brother indeed
fraternally yours,
Brother Trawler
Dear Brother Trawler
Having allowed the hilarity your post provoked to subside, I can apply the necessary gravitas to the subject in hand.
The strength of character of the ladies of JC is indeed legendary and daunting to the prospective beau. However, any woman worthy of the role of Mem-Sahib to one of our distinguished gathering would not be a helpless supplicant, but have the makings of a fellow combatant against the woes of life. So I salute the ‘feistiness’ of JC women, while wincing somewhat at the colloquialism.
Unfortunately, even in the 21st century, the rules of courtship still assume that one partner will be stronger, usually the male. As a result, the manoeuvres involved in drawing a woman of calibre into one’s orbit, while based on more traditional practices, such as gifts and outings, also include gestures of equality. This is all the more complicated as the tight trousers of our youth no longer signify the compensation of exhilaration and potency.
Perhaps in the intervening weeks we could offer F_pol the opportunity to coach members on effective modern courtship etiquette as the price for her remaining in the cupboard.
I’m still not sure why, but she returned as soon as Boxing Day was over muttering “Must sleep! must sleep!”. The note pinned to the door says, and I quote, “Enquiries from Wonga.com about a payday loan should be referred to that ungrateful so-and-so in front of the TV – I’ll give him But I Wanted A Limited Edition Star Wars X-Box 360 my arse!”
From the floral scents which now waft under the door occasionally, she appears to have taken up residence,
Yours sincerely
W
I dont care who it is and im not typing an essay just to get some jiggy, so who ever wants to be my cyber valentine i can promise alcohol and condoms and plenty of chocolate, Rohypnol will also be available (if wanted or required).
Good times guaranteed.
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