Be my cyber Valentine. There’s chocolate and jiggy involved

May I say how proud we are in the Gentlemen’s Club of the way you have pursued the potentially hazardous objective of a Valentine’s date.

You have carried yourself with the right balance of dignity, humour, humility, grace and care as far as we are concerned. Without revealing too much to those from Outside of Our Place, this will not be allowed to fade from memory.

We feel both a comradely loyalty and a certain vested interest in the success of your venture and an opportunity has presented itself.

We are considering a probationary return to membership for Teddy (Major THeodore IgNatius ICEne*). Teddy achieved the status of Champion Swordsman in 2010, but I haven’t read the citation to discern for myself the full scope of his successes.

As a token of his desire to re-enter Our Place, he has let slip that he could enlighten you in some of the arcanities of “jiggy”. However I have been cautioned that no lady is ever to know of Teddy’s involvement, in particular the use of his name and the terms “desire to re-enter” and “let slip” in the same sentence.

While such a return would be subject to the usual absence of ‘la boule noire’ in a free ballot, your willingness to avail yourself of his assistance might facilitate his acceptability.

I’m sure that f_pol will be happy to help refine your approach. With a festive occasion approaching she is sure to seek refuge in Her Cupboard (no one else knows the combination and, as it is a Lady’s Place no gentleman would force entry).

Your comrades, some of whom can be seen reading this thread with notebook and pen at the ready, salute you.

W

P. S. I am unsure whether a direct approach would be welcome, so I would be grateful if you could enquire as to Ms SimplySu’s availability for the re-ordering of the small library here in our main lounge as several publications appear to have been mis-filed.

I can assure her that she would not be required to vary your agreed dress code in any way. The project would be expected to last for several weeks and need frequent review after completion.

As an incentive, I have been authorised to reveal that in our walk-in humidor we keep, in first class condition, a sizeable stock of vintage confectionery, including Curly Wurlies. Ms SimplySu would be welcome to select a few samples of her favourites during any attendance at the club.

As her associate Miss MoneyPenny is at a loose end, Ms SimplySu might wish to enlist her assistance. I will seek your advice on whether the dress code should apply to both ladies.

Mr Trawler. has recommended that I contact you directly, although I am somewhat reticent about doing so. We have a high mutual regard for each other and share fraternal concern for our club.

I have a proposal for you:

I wonder if you are available for the re-ordering of the small library here in our main lounge as several publications appear to have been mis-filed.

I can assure you that you would not be required to vary your agreed dress code with Mr Trawler in any way. The project would be expected to last for several weeks and need frequent review after completion.

You might be interested to know that we keep, in first class condition, a sizeable stock of vintage confectionery, including Curly Wurlies, from which you would be welcome to select a few samples of your favourites during any attendance at the club.

As your associate Miss MoneyPenny is at a loose end, would you like to enlist her assistance? I will seek your advice on whether the dress code should apply to both of you.

Yours sincerely

Dear Col. Wordsworth (ret’d) . . .

Dear Ms SimplySu

Thank you for your kind and complimentary words about Mr Trawler. Whilst military life has conditioned me to feel uncomfortable in the company of civilians, Rusty has sported himself with such dignity, discipline and vigour that he has become as highly valued and trusted as any I have known. I am pleased to have that confirmed.

I will not conceal my pleasure at your acceptance of my offer: shared by fellow committee members and trusted fellows. Such was the relief at the assuaging of bookish frustration that Maj. Gen ’Sadness’ almost lost his favoured epithet along with his monocle through an unprecedented expression, resembling a smile.

Although I didn’t recognise your name, I surmise that on your previous visits, you would have used a suitable professional title. I trust that your previous experience leaves you sure of reciprocal tender regard for your soft spot and of the utmost discretion from myself and every other fellow present. That you have the acquaintance and confidence of f_pol only heightens my conviction that you are perfect for this task and any other you might take in hand.

The club undertakes to fully support any arrangement you come to with Mr Trawler regarding dress. While an inspection will not be essential, my years of military service have endowed me with a trained eye for detail. Therefore I am happy to offer you every assistance in confirming that you are maintaining agreed standards.

And Ms MoneyPenny is to join you? Her assistance in improving the woeful state of our small library would be much appreciated. You both presume correctly that you will be treated with the utmost good manners and courtesy, which,as familiarity increases, will no doubt achieve the added refinement of sincerity over affectation.

Our stocks of vintage chocolates can support generosity to the point of extravagance, so your labours and your appetites will be satisfied. In addition, Ms MoneyPenny’s preferences for holidays, diamonds or perfume can be fully met without resorting to pettifogging monetary balancing acts.

Our members have all experience in some of the most far-flung and exotic corners of the world. As you well know we tend to exercise restraint to the point of unresponsiveness, while appreciating every perceptible nuance. So you will suffer no indignity and utmost co-operation.

The main lounge remains available to all members except during emergencies or rebuilding. Some members will probably attend more often than usual in order to understand the developments in our archiving. Please do not consider them an audience, even in the face of spontaneous expressions of appreciation.

As we value attention to detail highly, please feel free to match your starting and finishing times to your work and comfort. A change of scene will undoubtedly be helpful to your morale so we will earmark a chamber for your purposes. However rules stipulate that you will be accompanied by a suitably upstanding member when away from the working or private areas.

Please rest assured of our keen anticipation and close attention to your comforts.

Yours sincerely.