Banned from the Co-op

Yesterday I was at my local

CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet

and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked

if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m

retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that

no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet

again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I

ended up in hospital last time, but that I’d lost 2

stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming

out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that

the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina

nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel

hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well

and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here

that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with

my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in

intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her

no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse

and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart

attack he was laughing so hard.

I’m now banned from the Co-op.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the

time in the world to think of daft things to say.