ALFIE

I  was intrigued who alfie was,to me ias an intrepid freelance reporter i needed to see the under belly of the “alf”

as luck would have it he invited me to his dank damp office basement in islington heres how it went

me,alright alfie

alf,alrite cosy what do you want?

er nothing really im a reporter for jc mag and i just wanted to know what makes you tick like?

he then proceeded to comb his hair,andsaid mirror you are to ugly for me

alfie said shoot hit me with your questions

heres how it went

me,alfie is it true you are gods gift with women on jc

alfie,well i dont mean to boast but yeh i suppose i am

me,what even more than mario or omalley

alfie ,oh they are just pish

me,do you see mr pat as a threat to your masculinity

alfie,i thought this was a serious interview

me yeh it is

alfie go on then

me ,ok then whats it like to have a stalker obv i cant name names

alfie oh you mean bloss

me hush yer gums you get me sacked

alfie no fck it cose its time the truth was out im sick of her sitting on her leeds maisonette balcony pretending shes in italy the %%%%%

me ,tad harsh alf?

alfie ,no its not cose have you ever had a stalker,looking at the state of you probably not

me well i havent no tbh unless you count chants

the interview abrubptly ended due to some unsavoury figures from north london giving me some menacing glances

so i was forced to leave,but not without writing this memo thing

alfie is truly the most debonair,sophisticated charismatic,sauve geezer in all the world and blossom dont know what shes missing out on

phew can you take your boot off my neck now arlfie please.

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Blossom., sceptical guy