A Warning for the Weekend

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As
my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work daiquiri, a glass of wine on the weekend, you’re even
around in the holidays, or hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when
we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately
I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe
that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make
me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they
do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the
night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with
cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a
Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I’m
an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the
issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary,
and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 minutes to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for a previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker
of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thankyou,

Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. No Kebab’s are just not tasty enough Thank you!

4. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing

:lol: :lol: :lol: Now I of course CANNOT replate to any of the above, can you ? :wink: