A Christmas Turnip for the Book, Stanza Two

The Ghost of Christmas Present arrived at Mariagarita’s house on the chime of two.

“Who are you?” asked Mariagarita.

“I am The Ghost of Christmas Present,” replied The Ghost of Christmas Present.

“What you bought me then?” Mariagarita asked as she adjusted her gimp mask.

“Bought you?” asked The Ghost of Christmas Present, raising an inquiring eyebrow.

“Yes,” replied Mariagarita, “you are a ghost who brings Christmas presents are you not?”

“You are too mercenary, Mariagarita,” replied The Ghost of Christmas Present. “I am here to show how Christmas will be for your friend and loved one this year. Come, Mariagarita, take my hand for we are going on a journey.”

“Woo hoo!” whooped Mariagarita, “I’ll order my chauffeur driven, pizza delivery limo.”

“No, Mariagarita, we will not be driving. Come, take my hand for we will be flying.”

“Woo hoo!” whooped Mariagarita again, “I’ll just put my flight socks on. And goggles.”

Donning her polyester flight socks and leather Biggles type goggles and flying hat, Mariagarita took the hand of The Ghost of Christmas Present.

As they flew high above the village, Mariagarita searched for the houses of her friend and loved one.

“Look!” exclaimed Mariagarita excitedly, “there’s Whinny Mouse’s coven!”

“Yes, Mariagarita,” replied The Ghost of Christmas Present, “she is your only friend. We will see how her Christmas will be this year.”

Swiftly, The Ghost of Christmas Present, clutching the hand of Mariagarita, landed silently outside the window of Whinny Mouse’s abode.

They both peered inside. Whinny Mouse was slumped on the floor, a pair of scissors in her hand. She was cutting furiously. She sang as she cut:

“It’ll be lonely this Christmas,
Without you to hold.
It’ll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold.”

“What is she doing?” Mariagarita asked, puzzled.

“Whinny Mouse will be alone this Christmas,” explained The Ghost of Christmas Present, “she has split with her imaginary boyfriend.”

“What is she doing with those scissors?” Mariagarita asked, confused, “is she wrapping my present?”

“She is cutting up her imaginary boyfriend’s clothes, Mariagarita,” explained The Ghost of Christmas Present. “She has already thrown his belongings outside.”

“Where?” asked Mariagarita, frowning and looking around.

“Come, Mariagarita, we must continue our journey. We have so little time and so much still to see.” Clasping Mariagarita’s hand, they took off, once again soaring high above the village.

“Look!” screeched Mariagarita. “It’s my loved one, Tin Dice’s house!”

“It is, Mariagarita, shall we see how Tin Dice’s Christmas is this year?” asked The Ghost of Christmas Present.

“YES! YES! YES!” screamed Mariagarita excitedly, and not for the first time at the thought of Tin Dice.

They peered in through the window of Tin Dice’s stable. The table was laid with a feast befitting of a successful builder. Tin Dice was wearing his cowboy hat. Opposite him at the table sat Susan Boyle.

Mariagarita was livid. “What is he doing spending Christmas with her!” she demanded. “He was going to spend it with me! I was going to dance naked to “Tales of the Unexpected” for him!”

“You do spend Christmas Day with Tin Dice, Mariagarita” explained The Ghost of Christmas Present. “Susan Boyle is his Christmas Present to himself.”

Mariagarita studied Susan Boyle, envying her beauty. “Has she had plastic surgery?” Mariagarita asked.

“She is plastic, Mariagarita,” replied The Ghost of Christmas Present, “and inflatable. You have nothing to worry about, Mariagarita, their bubble soon bursts.”

“Now, we must move on, Mariagarita,” and once again clasping Mariagarita’s hand, they took off, flying high above the village. Along the main street, they stopped and hovered.

“Look, Mariagarita” said The Ghost of Christmas Present, “do you see that man down there?”
Mariagarita looked down to see an elderly man, struggling to walk against the driving wind and harsh, blizzard snow storm. For every two steps he took forward, the wind blew him one step back. The man stopped to scratch his urine stained crotch.

Mariagarita raised her flying goggles. “It’s my employee, Bob Scratchit!” she exclaimed! “What is he doing?”

Then angrily, she added, “he should be at work cleaning my pizza ovens! He only gets one day off a year, Christmas Day and even that is akin to having my pocket picked on an annual basis!”

“It is Christmas Day,” Mariagarita,” explained The Ghost of Christmas Present, “Bob Scratchit is going home to spend it with his family.”

Mariagarita growled. “What’s he got clutched in his gnarled fingers,” she snapped. “It’s a Dominos Pizza box! He’s been stealing from me!”

“The box contains the scrapings of the pizza ovens and the sweepings of the kitchen floor,” explained The Ghost of Christmas Present, “Bob Scratchit has been collecting them all year so he can make a small pizza for his family to eat this Christmas Day.”

“How dare he!” screamed Mariagarita. “If he can’t afford to feed his family on the wage I pay him then they should die and decrease the surplus population!” she ranted.

“Besides, he has no teeth to eat pizza with,” she added.

“Come, Mariagarita,” said The Ghost of Christmas Present taking her hand again, “let us see what happens this Christmas Day at Bob Scratchit’s.”

They landed outside the bedsit of Bob Scratchit and peered in through the window. Bob Scratchit was huddled by the fire. A small twig and a lump of coal burned, barely heating the room. On Bob’s knee sat his son, Tiny Neil, a poor sickly child.

“Who is that?” Mariagarita asked as a large black and white bear entered the room.

“That’s Bob Scratchit’s wife, Pandaora,” explained The Ghost of Christmas Present.

“Why does she have two black eyes,” Mariagarita asked, “is she a victim of domestic violence?”

“No, Mariagarita,” said The Ghost of Christmas Present, “she is a panda from China.”

“The liar!” Mariagarita spat. “He told me had a Thai bride.”

“Bob Scratchit could not afford a Thai bride on the meagre wages you pay him, Mariagarita,” explained The Ghost of Christmas Present, “ he could only afford a Chai bride.”

“What is she saying?” Margarita asked as Pandaora Scratchit danced around the bedsit.

“She is singing, “I feel like turkey tonight, like turkey tonight, like turkey tonight!”” explained The Ghost of Christmas Present.

“Well she won’t be getting any!” fumed Mariagarita, “and I’ll have my pizza droppings back too!” She made a lunge for the door but The Ghost of Christmas Present caught her hand.

“Come Mariagarita, we must go back, the clock will soon chime three and The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is still to visit you.” And with that, The Ghost of Christmas Present whisked Mariagarita back to her mansion.